What is Self-empathy?

I've facilitated training courses on empathy for over eight years now, and I found one thing that keeps coming up over and over again which is most of us have never learned how to empathize with oneself.

I remember when I first learned about self-empathy in 2012, and my empathy teacher challenged me to think, “Think about the way you talk to yourself, if you talk to your friends the way you talk to yourself, will you still have any friends?”

I said, "Of course not." I would never talk to my friends the way I talk to myself. I often said things like, "You idiot, how could you do this?" Or "What were you thinking?"

When I talk to the people I care about - and even the people I don't care about - I am very tolerant and kind, I offer encouragement and support, and I am compassionate.

So, what exactly is self-empathy? According to self-empathy researcher Professor Dr. Christine Neff, self-empathy includes three basic pillars:

1. Mindfulness:

When you are empathetic to yourself, you realize your suffering, and you draw your attention to yourself to notice your thoughts, feelings, and sensations. When we are in harmony with ourselves, we do not make judgments, and we are curious.

Without empathizing with yourself, you might say to yourself: “I can't believe I'm so nervous, and I keep thinking about the report to be delivered tomorrow, why do I have such an upset stomach?”

While with self-empathy, you will curiously notice and say: “I notice I have an upset stomach, I am feeling nervous now; I realize that I am thinking about the big report that I am scheduled to deliver tomorrow.”

Have you noticed how your judgment has changed?

2. Common Humanity:

Common humanity is an ambitious concept that challenges us to expect that we all have something in common, that we all struggle in some way, and that we all want to find peace. When I realize that I am not alone in my suffering, I feel comfortable.

You may feel isolated when you struggle because you may think that you are the only one who is going through a difficult time, and social media certainly does not help. When I am going through a difficult time and I see everyone on Instagram having the best time ever, I feel more alone.

Common humanity reminds you that you are not the only one struggling. In fact, your suffering makes you a part of humanity.

3. Showing kindness to oneself:

This refers to your inner voice, which seems to be an internal critic. When you practice self-empathy, you treat yourself in the way you treat someone you respect and appreciate; That is, with kindness, encouragement, and mentoring, instead of scolding yourself every time you make a mistake. So, you should say: "I am a human being and I make mistakes. What can I learn from this?" And then you move on.

Do you want to make self-empathy a priority? Reward yourself every time you change your self-critic to a leader who encourages you.

4. Seeking support:

If you're paying attention, I noticed that I said that Christine Neff had defined self-empathy as having three pillars, and I added a fourth element.

Please be aware that self-empathy does not mean that you have to deal with your suffering and hardwork, but when you are in harmony with your body, you may notice that you are being asked to communicate to get support. So, listen to that inner wisdom, as your community members and colleagues want to support you in the same way you want to support them when they struggle, so feel free to ask for help.

Self-empathy is not easy to achieve, especially if you've spent your life being harsh on yourself because of every mistake you've made, yet self-empathy can change your life.

Once I started treating myself the way I treat my friends, my life became more cheerful and meaningful. I am not afraid of making mistakes because I realize that I am a human being, and I realize that when I am nervous or have difficulty, I have to give myself time to recover from my pain and sadness, rather than pretending to be okay.

Don't take my word for it, it's just my opinion, as you can read a lot of research on self-empathy if you want to get the benefit of it, and better yet try it yourself.