How to Practice Letting Go?

If you worry too much about what might happen, you'll overlook what is there. Happiness is letting go of what life is supposed to be right now, and sincerely appreciating it for all it is.

Over the past decade, my wife, Angel, and I have gradually worked with hundreds of course students, coaching clients, and live event audiences, and have come to understand that the root cause of most human stress is our stubborn tendency to hang on to things.

We hold fast to the hope that things will go exactly as imagined, and then we complicate our lives when they don't. For example, our minds cling to unhelpful ideals, and we address ourselves in terms such as:

1. Life is not supposed to be this way. I need to be different.
2. There's only one thing I want, and I can't be happy without it.
3. I'm totally right, and the other person is totally wrong.
4. This person should love me and want to be with me.
5. I shouldn't be alone, I shouldn't be overweight, I shouldn't be who I am now, and so on.

In all these common examples, the mind holds tightly on to something idealistic that isn't real. After a while, come down to earth, and a lot of tension, anxiety, unhappiness, self-loathing, and negative feelings ensue. So, how can we stop holding on so tight? By  realizing that there's nothing to hold on to in the first place.

Most of the things that we so desperately try to hold on to as if they were real, certain, and permanent in our lives don't really exist. If they do exist in some form, they are changing, flexible, or impermanent, or simply the creation of our minds. Life becomes easier when we remind ourselves of that and live by it.

Here are 5 tips to practice letting go:

1. Practice letting everything be:

You are breathing as you read these words, so stop for a moment and notice this breathing. You can control it, make it faster or slower, and you can master it. There is relief in simply allowing your lungs to breathe without having to control the situation or do anything about it. Now imagine allowing other parts of your body to relax, such as your tense shoulders, without having to control them.

Now look around the room you're in and observe things around you. There are probably people in the room with you too or in the same house or in the houses or buildings next door. Picture them in your mind, and let them breathe. When you leave everything and everyone breathing, you leave them just as they are, and you don't have to control them or worry about them or change them. You just let them breathe in peace and you accept them as they are. That's all about letting go. It can be a life changing practice.

2. Practice accepting your current reality:

Imagine that you are blindfolded, swimming in a large pool, and struggling to reach the edge of the pool that you think is close, but in reality it's not. Trying to reach this mirage puts pressure on you and strains you, as you swim aimlessly trying to hold on to something that doesn't exist.

Now imagine that you pause, take a deep breath, and realize that there's nothing around to reach for only the water around you. You can continue to struggle to hold on to something that isn't there, or you can accept that there's only water around you and relax.

Inner peace may begin the moment you take a fresh breath and choose not to let an uncontrollable event control you at the moment. You're not what happened to you, but you're what you choose to become in the moment.

3. Practice challenging the stories you tell yourself frequently:

Many of life's biggest misunderstandings can be avoided if we take the time to ask, "What else could this mean?" A great way to do this is to use the paraphrase tool that we took from Professor Brene Brown, which we then used during our coaching with the students and attending the live event. We call it “The Story I Tell Myself”, and here's how it works: It can be applied to any difficult life situation or circumstance in which disturbing thoughts take hold.

For example, maybe someone you love didn't call you or text you when they said they would, and now an hour has passed and you're upset because you're obviously not a priority enough to them. When you find yourself feeling this way, use the following phrase: "The story I tell myself is that they didn't call me because I'm not their priority", and then ask yourself these questions:

• Am I absolutely sure this story is true?
• How do I feel and react when I tell myself this story?
• What other possibility might make the end of this story real?

Give yourself space to think about everything carefully, and challenge yourself to think better every day to challenge the stories you unconsciously tell yourself, and to do a reality check with a more objective mindset.

4. Practice letting go of your thoughts:

When Engel and I were college students, our psychology professor taught us a lesson we engraved in our memories. On the last day of the semester before graduation, she walked up the stage to give us one last lesson, which she described as "a vital lesson in the power of perspective and mindset". When she lifted a glass of water over her head, all students expected her to mention the typical metaphor of "glass half empty or glass half full."

But instead, with a smile on her face, our teacher asked, “How heavy is this glass of water I'm carrying?” The students shouted answers ranging from a few ounces to a few pounds. After a few moments of responding to the answers and nodding her head, she replied, “From my point of view, the weight of this glass isn't really important. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute or two, it's rather light, but if I hold it for an hour straight, its weight may cause pain in my arm, and if I hold it for a whole day, my arm will probably cramp and I'd feel completely numb and paralyzed, and this would forces me to drop the glass on the floor.

In each case, the absolute weight of the cup does not change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it feels”. Since most students agreed with her, she went on to explain: “Your fears, frustrations, disappointments, and stressful thoughts are very much like this glass of water. If you think about them all day, you'll feel completely numb and paralyzed, and you won't be able to do anything else until you get rid of them.” So, think about how this relates to your life now. If you're struggling to handle the weight of what's on your mind today, that's a strong sign that it's time to let it go.

5. Renew your faith in yourself:

A big part of letting go is gradually renewing your faith in yourself. This renewed faith means a willingness to live with uncertainty and feel every detail of each day, letting your intuition guide you like a flashlight in the dark. It is about standing firm without using the crutches you've been holding on to.

What if you choose today to believe that you have enough and that you are enough? What if today you choose to believe that you are strong, wise, kind, and loved enough to take a positive step forward? What if today you accept people exactly as they are, and life exactly as it is? What  if, as the sun goes down today, you chose to believe that the small bits of your progress were more than enough for one day? And what if tomorrow you decide to believe it again? Practice making those choices, letting go of the past, and renewing your faith in yourself.