How to Overcome Our Regrets?

Have you ever found yourself thinking, “What would have happened if...?" That voice in our heads is plotting different scenarios for past events, such as, “What would have happened if I said something different in the interview? Or what would have happened if we told our manager our honest opinion when they made a rude comment?”

When we go back to the past, we find ourselves in the same place we were, but this time with a change of events, and suddenly, we can imagine a whole new story. Undoubtedly, our interviewer would have been surprised, and our manager would have stopped immediately, realizing how intelligent and confident we are.

Psychologists call this cognitive ability “counterfactual thinking.” They also discovered that, on average, we think more about positive alternative situations than negative ones. We want to rewrite the past to make our future better, but if we could go back in time, should we really change anything? What if a small change led to massive changes?

A mathematician and meteorologist explained this idea with the famous butterfly effect, stating that the difference in the flapping of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil could be enough to turn a breeze into a hurricane in Texas, America. An example of that is when the main character in Stephen King’s novel tried to improve the world by preventing the assassination of former US President John Kennedy, which eventually led to a nuclear war.

So if changing the past wasn’t helpful, is there any point in thinking counterfactually? According to scientists, thinking about what could have been better elicits negative feelings, especially feelings of regret. This negative effect of this way of thinking suggests that we should not repeat this behavior for our own good; however, if it is used correctly, it can have an exceptional advantage.

There is a condition to benefit from the “what if” scenarios

We must not ponder for too long the possibilities that we have lost, or else we will be caught in a vicious circle of our thoughts. Instead, we must understand the relationship between thinking about our past and taking action for our future, and we must balance thinking and action. This is how we grow and thrive. One of the advantages of “what if” thinking is being able to visualize alternative realities, and this mental ability can be very powerful.

Dr. Pascual-Leone, Professor of Neuroscience at Harvard Medical School, conducted a medical imaging study of our brains with amazing results. He asked two groups to practice the piano with their right hand. One group practiced physically, while members of the other group visualized themselves playing the notes on the keyboard. Both groups practiced for five days each, for two hours.

Brain imaging of the physically exercised students showed an expansion of the motor cortex, the part of the brain responsible for controlling the fingers of the right hand. This finding matches our own experience, as we know practice makes us better. But the most surprising part was that the students who practiced mentally had similar results in improving their performance and expanding their range of motion.

Under these circumstances, it is not surprising to see many high-performance athletes adopting visualization techniques to improve their performance. Michael Phelps, the most decorated Olympic swimmer with 28 medals, explained in an interview that in one of his races, his goggles started filling up with water, making him nearly blind. He swam 175 meters, including two turns, without seeing the walls of the pool. One would think it would affect his performance, but it didn’t, and instead he ended up winning the gold medal and breaking the world record.

When asked how he did this, he explained that he relied on his previous visualizations of the race. If thinking offers advantages, we must be careful when using it. Children are taught not to get too close to fire because it burns, and these mind trips can teach us valuable lessons. Once we understand that fire can hurt us, we hold onto this new knowledge and keep our distance from it. But when we travel to our past and imagine all these different possibilities that could have happened, we can fall into a vicious cycle, thinking about our past, unable to stop feeling regret.

In conclusion

Thinking about how to avoid getting burned is not enough. In other words, staying away from fire is an active part of our educational journey. If we feel cold, lighting a fire may not be the only solution. We can also close the windows, turn on the heater, or put on an extra jacket, and in order to know what works best for us, we don’t only need to be able to think of these different possibilities, but to experience them. This is an essential step in shifting our focus from what was done to what can be done.