How to Get Yourself Out of Your Shell?

A few years ago, Jessica Pan, a young journalist living in London and famous among the people, found herself in a difficult situation. 

Note: This article is from blogger and editor Christian Jarrett, who talks about ways we can come out of our shell.

Life has become boring and predictable. She told me, "I realized that I was using the word 'introverted' as an excuse to refuse to get involved in anything new or anxiety-provoking, and I felt like I was completely isolating myself from new experiences and people, and I thought that couldn't be healthy."

Pan, who has long been considered an introvert, made a bold decision about her distress, drawing on a personal experience of living as an off-and-on social person for a year: “I wanted to make new friends, have more job opportunities, feel more alive, and not hit the same things,” she said.

One product of her year as a socialite was the writing of her funny and poignant book, Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want to Come.

Like Pan, I got frustrated several years ago because of my introverted tendencies. I've been writing a new book on personality change, Be Who You Want, and I've made a conscious decision to act on the advice I've discovered in the process.

I made a concerted effort to come out of my shell. I accepted most personal and professional social invitations and made lifestyle changes, Switching from one-on-one sessions in the gym (with nothing but my headphones) to group exercise sessions that involved lots of banter and laughter.

My goal was to come out of my shell a bit, increase my level of social engagement so I could feel less isolated, and make room for the unexpected in life. I also made efforts to address other aspects of my personality.

In personality science, our levels of introversion are one of the Big Five personality traits (along with others, such as consciousness and neuroticism). These traits reflect “our tendencies to think, feel, and behave in ways that are relatively constant over time and situations,” explains Rodica Damian, director of the Personality Development Lab at the University of Houston.

Each of the Big Five traits, including introversion and outgoingness, is a dimension rather than a "level." Thus, each of us scores somewhere along the spectrum, and there are some people who lean more to one extreme. Anyway, for the sake of convenience, I'm going to use the terms "introverted" and "social" as shorthand for people with leanings toward one of these.

The social-introversion dimension in modern personality science is similar to the stereotypes we use in everyday life, with some additional important characteristics.

If you are very social, you don't just like to talk; you are optimistic, assertive, energetic, and receptive to positive feelings as well. You are willing to take risks for the sake of pleasure, and as a result, social people tend to be more happy with life, bold, and confident in themselves. This has benefits for their jobs and health.

In comparison, if you are very introverted, you are quiet and conservative; you experience less dynamism and positive emotions in your life; you avoid overstimulation; and you are risk averse. You are seekers of tranquility, let's say, rather than seekers of pleasure.

Of course, there are also benefits to being more introverted. This is something that author Susan Cain celebrates with great enthusiasm in her landmark book, Quiet, including the fact that the lack of need for constant stimulation leads to endeavors to obtain a solitary job, including remote work, and that it can offer protection from the risk of becoming too involved. The patience and sensitivity of introverts enhance creativity and the ability to commit to practice and work. Introverts also make more effective leaders in certain situations, such as leading a highly professional team with proactive people.

Other than those benefits, let's be honest: wouldn't life be so much more annoying and boring if everyone was just talkative and attention-seeking?

Despite this, you may want to come out of your shell without rejecting your introverted nature completely and without going to extremes in the other direction—that is, without becoming a fan of permanent parties and meetings.

This article will help you achieve a higher level of sociability, if that is what you want and to the extent that suits you.

Like Pan and I, you may feel frustrated with your overly introverted tendencies. Perhaps you have always felt this way, or perhaps it is a new feeling and you have recently noticed, depending on the strength of the circumstances, that you have become more introverted than you would like.

Many people have felt lonely during the COVID-19 pandemic, for example, and loneliness is known to increase introversion.

Other studies suggest that major life experiences, such as divorce, can increase introversion in some people. Mental illness, like depression, can also lead us to live in isolation.

If you feel that you are, or have become, more withdrawn than you would like, or that your introverted nature is preventing you from making friends or advancing at work, you can fortunately invest in the relative adjustability of your personality to choose to become more social.

It probably won't be quick or easy, but it is certainly achievable, and the rewards can be great.

“There is extensive scientific evidence that we can choose to change our traits, but it takes a lot of sustained effort,” says Damien. “You can think of it like you think about fitness or eating healthy. It's something you have to work on constantly (something more like a lifestyle change than a short-term obesity diet); But, when you do it enough, it becomes a part of you."

Mirjam Steiger, who works in a psychology lab at Brandeis University in Massachusetts, has been working on a "personality coach" app to help people change their personality traits. She agrees with Damian, saying, "If people change the way they think, feel, and behave, they can change their personality from introverted to social."

There are positive reasons to boost your social traits, even just a little. Besides the advantages of social people in the areas of health and career progression (because they are more physically active, feel in a more positive mood, and have more social contact), numerous studies have shown that, regardless of the order on our scale, we tend to be happier the moment we act more social than usual.

This is likely because doing so increases our connection to the world and our connection to others, which are basic human needs associated with wellness.

"It's a way to experience life more by trying new things," Pan says. "By living as an extrovert, I felt like I had a different life." It's just an opportunity to add some fun, serendipity, and openness to your life. We cannot underestimate what a new person—a suitable new person—can bring into our lives. So, you know, even if you go to a party you didn't want to go to but meet someone who becomes your best friend, your new boss, or your online friend, it can change your life forever."

I agree with that too. By getting out of my shell a little bit at the gym, I felt like my life had gotten better. Other members began to know me by name, and I came to enjoy a sense of community and belonging.

By accepting more social and professional invitations and with a greater intent to take risks, I found myself making an important change, even on the professional front.

What should be done?

1. General evidence and readiness for change

As you take the following steps and techniques, keep in mind that your personality traits—including your levels of sociability—reflect your ingrained habits of thought, feelings, and the way you relate to other people and the world as a whole.

Think of your personality as your usual automatic strategy for dealing with life and relationships. That is, how do you act now without deliberate effort or prior planning? After all, when extroverts come to a party, they don't consciously force themselves to talk to the other guests; it just happens naturally.

Habits, even ingrained ones, can, of course, change. And it is true that some of your monotonous behavior has genetic roots. But a lot of it is also acquired over the years through your many experiences in life.

This means that instead of waiting for life to change you positively, which it will inevitably do, you can choose to be positive by changing your habits. With continuous and sufficient stimulation, you can tacitly control some of the internal and external forces that continue to shape your personality and direct yourselves towards becoming more social.

“Habits can be thought of as the layers between behaviors and changing personality traits,” Steiger says. “If a person repeatedly exhibits new behaviors and those behaviors become behavioral, they will eventually lead to permanent changes in personality.”

With that in mind, especially if you are very introverted and deeply enclosed in your shell, you may struggle with some of the following practical advice at first, but trust that things will get easier.

Humans are adaptive by nature, and with practice and persistence, you can re-evaluate your new and bolder ways of living and being. "It gets easier," Pan says. "I've learned that talking to people and revealing yourself to them is very difficult, especially in the beginning, but once you do it a few times and have positive experiences, it becomes very easy."

Before you jump into my specific techniques and lifestyle changes to increase your sociability, here are some ways to prepare yourselves and help you focus your intentions (used in the personality-transformation app developed and tested by Steiger and colleagues):

• Talk to close friends and family members about your goal of becoming more social and ask for their tips and tricks.
• Watch your actions. In which situation can you be more social than you are? And in what situations are you actually as social as you want to be?
• Write down the benefits and harms of being social.
• Recognize the people who are more social than you in your environment. What are they doing differently? Can you imitate some of their specific behaviors?

Now that you're prepared, it's a good idea to think of a strategy. First, change yourselves from the inside out. Secondly, to change yourselves from the outside in. Finally, take into account your goals and values ​​and how they can motivate and empower you.

2. Strategies for Change from the Inside Out

Extroverts are usually social. They happily talk to strangers and are good at making small talk and establishing new relationships. To embrace this for yourselves, set some specific and tangible goals for behaving in an outgoing and sociable way.

One effective way to do this is to use one or more conditional plans, such as:

“If I am waiting at the bus stop, I will ask a fellow traveler how they are”, “If I am shopping for groceries, I will say hello to the cashier”, “If it is Tuesday, I will ask a colleague to join me for coffee”, and "If it's Saturday and I don't have plans to go out, I'll call a friend."

Say the plan or plans out loud to yourself at least once each day and write them down somewhere where you will notice them, such as a notepad by your bed.

If the idea of ​​striking up a conversation with strangers is completely overwhelming, there's absolutely no harm in a little preparation. For example, Christian Busch, author of Psyche's Guide to Being Lucky, advises coming up with "a number of interesting or memorable talking points related to your current interests, for example, which you can use in your next conversation, especially if someone asks you, "What is your job?".

You need to tailor your conditional plans according to your basic levels of introversion. If you're feeling too tired, don't hesitate and start with more modest, gentler plans to increase your sociability (as easy as saying hello to a passenger), and then increase the scope over time as you adjust and make progress (like arranging a coffee out with a co-worker).

And if you are a very introverted person by nature, these tentative initial steps are likely to feel awkward and uncomfortable at first, but take heart. Studies have shown that talking to strangers is more fun than we think it will be, and people make a more positive impression than we generally expect.

You should also bear in mind the benefits of having more random conversations, as it will allow for many unexpected changes in life.

Another way to transform yourself from the inside out is to boost your optimism. One of the reasons extroverts are more daring than usual is that they tend to believe that things will be fine.

There are techniques you can use to boost your optimism and your willingness to face challenges. One is known as the "best possible self-intervention": spend about 5 to 15 minutes imagining yourself in the future, a few years from now, in a scenario where everything goes as you hoped, and make the picture as clear in your mind as you can.

Some versions of this technique recommend writing a description of this idealized version of your future selves. Bring it to life with detail by exploring different aspects of your life and how things will look, feel, and sound. Set a goal for yourself to do this daily for about two weeks to get the most benefit.

Another way to be bold is to practice cognitive reappraisal. There are different ways to do this, but one is to try to reinterpret any feelings of anxiety or anger as excitement.

So find a quiet place before the social challenge and say to yourself out loud, "I'm excited." Studies have shown that doing this helps people cope with upcoming challenges that make them anxious, such as performing in front of an audience.

Finally, you can consider making a commitment to building your strength and fitness to increase your confidence and comfort with adventure. There are many correlations between physical build and personality, but perhaps the most relevant in this context is that doing more physical exercise has been shown to reduce people's levels of social anxiety.

Stronger people (men in particular) tend to be more extroverted.

Moreover, people who were more physically active earlier in life tended to maintain their openness over the following decades, compared to people who were more inactive.

Various mechanisms are thought to underlie these associations, but suffice it to say that regular physical exercise (i.e., choosing an activity you enjoy and are comfortable with) will make you more confident and reduce your anxiety levels. This makes your coming out of the shell even more attractive.

3. Strategies for change from the outside in

Besides using technology to change your thinking and feeling habits to help you become more outgoing and social, you can also take advantage of the situations and relationships around you to shape your levels of openness.

There are close links between the expression of personality traits and mood, including the fact that a happier mood is associated with more open behavior, so whatever your basic personality is, you probably have a natural tendency to act more outgoing when you're feeling good.

Spend some time thinking about how certain people and circumstances tend to bring out different emotions and moods in you and different sides of your personality.

What we're talking about here is a phenomenon known as affective presence—an attitude that people have to make others feel a certain way. You might be able to think of certain friends or relatives who have a positive emotional presence, who you tend to say things to or get a bit comfortable with, for example.

I don't think it's a coincidence that one of the periods of my life when I was the most extroverted was my freshman year of college, when I had a very loud, fun-loving extrovert friend early on.

By being more strategic about the situations you put yourself in and the people you interact with, you will find it easier to become a more extroverted person.

Here's an easy way to be more aware and intentional about the environmental forces that shape your traits: the Attitude Strategy. For example, before next weekend, spend some time thinking about what you're going to do and with whom.

Choose activities that improve your mood (remembering the links between positive mood and openness) and spend time with people who make you feel comfortable and confident (remembering the concept of emotional presence and the ways others affect you).

Before each weekend, you can repeat a mantra out loud three times until, for example, "If I am going to decide what I am going to do this weekend, I will choose the activities that will make me feel good and avoid the things that will make me feel bad."

Psychologists at the University of Sheffield in the UK tested this approach and found that volunteers who were trained to repeat a saying before a weekend ended up feeling more positive during that holiday.

You can choose to reinforce this feature by modifying the statement with a more specific approach to getting out of your shell (e.g., if I were to decide what to do this weekend, I would choose activities that would make me feel happy, confident, and open and avoid things that would make me feel bad and isolated).

A more ambitious approach to transforming yourself from the outside in is to sign up for a club or social activity that essentially requires you to act in a more open manner. Any fun and challenging social activity that involves socializing will do just fine.

But if you are feeling dread, I would pursue a hobby, sport, or game that grabs your attention immediately or is particularly enjoyable, which will help keep you motivated and help you overcome any fear you may be feeling.

As long as you regularly repeat an activity like this over time, you are effectively shaping your personality from the inside out. The situation requires you to come out of your shell, even if only in a small way.

During her year of being social, Jessica Bane has been involved with an improvisational theater group, and she specifically recommends looking for a newly launched program or class so you can have the benefit of everyone being new to the same situation. "I think if you sign up for something and pay the money, you're more likely to do it and meet a lot of other people who are completely new to it as well. You won't feel afraid because everyone will be like you and everyone will be a beginner."

Also, remember that this can help you set small goals for yourself when you go to this type of event:

“Just tell yourself you're going to talk to two people the first day, even if what you're going to say is literally, ‘How did you get here?’ or ‘Why did you sign up? It would be really useful."

4. Keep in mind your overarching values ​​and goals

If you're just aiming to be more open-minded without context or greater ambition, after a while it's likely to be a daunting task. You are much more likely to succeed if your desire for change serves a more meaningful goal or value.

In line with this advice, studies have shown that changes in goals and priorities often precede a change in personality traits rather than the other way around.

For example, suppose your newly launched business is your passion, and you realize that in order to succeed, you will need to be more open-minded than you currently are in nature. Or perhaps, for you, it is a priority in life to be the best parents for your young children, and you realize that if they want to have a flourishing social life outside of school, you need to know the parents of your children's friends.

In all of these scenarios, increasing your openness can help you be who you want to be and live according to your priorities.

And for a compelling real-world example of an overriding purpose driving commitment to personal change toward greater openness, Consider Nigerian activist Florence Ozor, one of the leaders of the Bring Back Our Girls movement that was founded to draw attention to the plight of schoolgirls kidnapped by Boko Haram in 2014.

In her 2017 book, Insight, American psychologist Tasha Eurich described how Osor, who is very introverted, knew already in her work that to achieve the change she wanted, she needed to act like an extrovert. Ozor vowed to herself, saying, "I will not run away from anything after today just because I am afraid of appearing."

Sticking to her word, she became bolder and more assertive and went on to found the Florence Ozor Foundation, which aims to support and empower women in Nigeria.

So it's worth taking the time to think about why you want to come out of your shell. What is the biggest reason for wanting this change? If you currently feel that you are lacking any important or overriding purpose, passion, or greater demand, I advise you to start the process of personal change by thinking about what matters to you and who you want to be in the end.

And if you believe, on reflection, that improving your openness will help you serve your overriding goal or goals, now you're going to be more motivated. This will help force you into more permanent and significant change, to break out of your shell, and to live the life you want.