How Can You Be More Decisive?

I learned decisiveness from my mother. She always expresses her feelings and sensations and can refuse easily when necessary, and she always acts in the interest of her family. She also thinks in everyone's interest. She's the most decisive person I've ever known, and no one can exploit her, even if one tries to, she won't allow that and they will regret doing it.

Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons are the main experts on decisiveness, and their book Your Perfect Right, first published in 1970, is an exemplary feat on the subject. They define decisive behavior as follows:"Decisiveness or self-assertion is a behavior that enables a person to act in their best interests to defend themselves without excessive and unjustified anxiety to express their frank and sincere feelings with ease, or to exercise their rights without denying the rights of others."

Generally speaking, there are three types of behavior:

1. Negative behavior:

Those who behave this way are described as deceitful, fraudster, liar, and indirect in their relationship with others, and do not take over or control anything. They maintain their kindness in all cases, no matter what it takes, and they focus on others.

2. Decisive behavior:

Those who behave this way are distinguished as direct, honest, frank, respectful of and appreciative of themselves, addressing the core of the subject directly, focusing on themselves to develop it, and respecting others.

3. Aggressive behavior:

Those who behave this way are mischievous who are willing to win or profit at all costs characterized by selfishness or self-centredness, always find justifications for their vile methods and means that they use to achieve their goals, and also wish to control others.

If you observe the society in which we currently live, you will find that most of the behavior of its members occurs within the maximum limits of the previous three types, and I want you to ask yourself how often others lie to you, whether it's at home, at work, or in your relationships with your friends, and you'll find that's not always because some people have really bad intentions, and they might say the painful and hurtful truth in front of you without caring about your feelings. You are often confronted with lies because most people follow negative behavior. They are afraid of confrontation and prefer to lie to evade it.

But there are also a lot of aggressive people in our society. It is said that aggression is becoming more widespread in the world at the present, and I know nothing about it explicitly, but I know no one wants to get close to aggressive people.

So, ideally you will find yourself wanting to be in the middle. Show respect for others and be a respectful, decisive, and non-aggressive person, which is what self-esteem is all about. 

Example of Decisiveness:

If you want to become more decisive, you need to be trained. It's the same as anything you want to improve and develop in your life, and the best way to train for decisiveness is while dealing with aggressive people and in confrontational situations, so the next time you're exposed to a stressful or stress-inducing situation or when you have to deal with an aggressive person, break away from that person or situation and tell yourself you're just watching the situation and you are not in it.

You have to make sure you don't get emotionally involved in this situation or with that person, and that's the most important thing if you want to become more decisive. Once you separate yourself, you'll find that you touch on the core of the subject and get right to your goal.

I know it sounds vague and unclear, so I will give an example to illustrate it through a situation that happened to me personally. A  few days ago, I contacted the construction company, which was supposed to fix the leak problem I had in my apartment, and the man who responded to my call tried to ignore me and did not try to hide that. He told me that they had no workers to fix my problem at present and did not give me precise information on when it would be fixed.

So, I stopped for a moment and separated myself from the situation and realized that it was not a position that personally touched me and I told him: "What do I do?" Do I allow my things to wear out when it rains? What would you do if you were me? " This continued for a while until I persuaded him and finally agreed to come to fix it. After two hours, he came to my apartment and fixed the leak and solved the problem.

We often escalate situations that aren't necessarily bad and unnecessarily aggravate them because we allow them to touch us personally and move our emotions, but we have to realize that other people have their problems, and it's never the situation we go through with them.

Sometimes we do just the opposite. We do everything we can so that we do not escalate the situations that we are exposed to, but that only harm our interests without bringing any benefit to us. If the previous situation had happened to me in the past, I would accept the reality and ask them when they could send someone to fix my problem, and then I would have to wait, which is typical negative behavior.

So, you have to be decisive to get what you want in this world, and I don't mean to act like a bully (bullying is a form of abuse and victimization directed by an individual or group towards a weaker individual or group), but rather you have to be somewhat demanding. I view decisiveness as honesty and frankness. I was simply being honest with that man if I had a problem that needed solving.

It's All About Training and Practice:

When we become more decisive, we have to warn about not overstating it; otherwise, we risk becoming overly aggressive or dominant, and recent research has shown that informal leaders were more admired and respected when they had a moderate amount of decisiveness, affection, and kindness.

This is true and very accurate, as when we are so kind, we risk being exploited by others, and when we are so aggressive, we push people away from us, but when we are frank and direct in our relationship with those around us and respect them at the same time, we can achieve a lot together.

Unfortunately, you can only become more decisive by actually being a firm person and rehearsing it in all the situations you're exposed to, which will help you look at every social situation as negotiating to get what you want.

In Conclusion:

I strongly recommend reading the book "Never Split the Difference" by Chris Voss. I learned the technique or method "How am I supposed to do it?" from this book. It's a question that you can ask people when they give you a suggestion or offer you something that you don't like, and I changed it in the attitude that I got to the question "What am I supposed to do?"

This way, you can put the ball in the other person's court and force them to take the next step and provide solutions, which is a very good way to deal with difficult situations by letting others plan solutions rather than fatigue yourself, but sometimes some people may need a little push to make it happen, and that's exactly what decisiveness represent. It's a little push in the right direction.