Get Rid of the Need to Control Other People's Behavior

Controlling other people's behavior, which we have no control over, is one of the hardest obstacles to overcome.

The world doesn't operate the way we would like. Unfortunately, people will occasionally behave poorly, but it is not their fault. It reflects our aspirations and ideals.

In an ideal world, people would no longer kill animals and instead treat them with kindness. The ideal world won't arrive right away, if ever, because reality is far different from that.

In an ideal world, children will act as adults want them to, but reality plays on another axis. We would always get along with our wives, but that doesn't always happen. We may therefore sum up the foregoing as follows:

• We have ideal concepts about people's actions, or how we want them to be.
• People will not act according to these ideals.
• Reality usually upsets us, and it gives us frustration, anger, sadness, disappointment, and stress.
• This takes away our happiness and ruins our relationships with others.

This is not good, of course, but we have several ways to handle it:

1. We could steadfastly adhere to our ideas for others and become angry when they behave in a way that departs from them.
2. We could steadfastly adhere to our ideas for others and strive to get them to behave as we want, but this will often not work.
3. We can give up those ideals and be happier and less frustrated.

When we think this way, it is clear that the third option is the best, and we will talk about this option, but let's address some objections first:

Objections to Abandoning Idealism

When people face the idea of abandoning their ideals for others, they usually have the following objections:

1. Won't people behave badly, and won't they get away with it?

There's a difference between wanting someone to behave a certain way and resenting it and accepting that person's behavior and then responding in a friendly way to that.

In the first case, you will be angry at that person for his behavior, and your response stemming from that anger will make things worse. In the second case, it won't affect you much, but you'll realize that person's behavior is harmful, and you'll want to help them not harm themselves.

You can't control others, but you can help them, and if you try to help them and they don't accept your help, it turns into a series of disappointments. Offer help, but forgo expecting the results you want.

2. What about bad behavior?

There is a difference between being upset by abuse and accepting that the person is acting badly and taking appropriate action.

Giving up your examples of how an abuser should behave doesn't mean letting them offend you; It merely means accepting that person's conduct is abusive while taking appropriate action to move away from them or, if appropriate, seeking help for them.

You don't have to put yourself in danger, and you also don't have to let their actions affect you internally.

3. But then we won't make the world a better place

If people don't behave perfectly, you can be upset by it while trying to change them, or you can accept the idea that the world is not perfect and then help them quietly and empathetically. In both cases, you are trying to do well, but in the second case, you will not suffer from the way things are going. So these objections are about wanting to change people's misbehavior.

This article is about internal acceptance of "imperfect" behavior, but once you have this acceptance, you can take appropriate action. It can help the person feel empathy, find safety, speak calmly and lovingly, report abusive behavior, get advice, and take appropriate action out of love, empathy, and understanding rather than frustration and anger.

You will be vigilant at that moment, observing rather than imagining what that person's behavior must be like.

Giving Up the Ideals

So how do you give up wanting to make people behave as you want?

1. Believing that these ideals harm you and others

The desire to make things go your way causes frustration, unhappiness, and anger; it harms your social relationships, and it is equally likely to annoy the people around you. The reason for all this is attachment to ideals and idealistic expectations.

2. Thinking about your desire to please yourself and those around you

If ideals and expectations hurt you and others, wouldn't it be better to stop that damage? Isn't it better to be happy than frustrated?

Think of your desire to improve your relationships with people and to be happy in their relationships with you; that's what you want, and it stems from love.

3. Paying attention to these ideals and the frustration that follows

Watch how frustrated you feel about the other, think about the perfect ideas you made for them in your imagination, and how you want them to behave. Do not hold on to your thoughts on how they should act, but pay attention to your ideals to realize that they harm you and that they are unhelpful.    

4. Controlling your anger

When someone disappoints you, think about what makes you think or feel that way. After that, you can decide to suppress your anger before it affects your behavior, which is something that you can realize and discover before it is too late to change.

5. Controlling the distress you feel

Pay attention to the effect that this has on your body and the distress that comes from holding on to those ideals. Pay attention to the feeling that this creates and the quality of the energy in your body. Where is it located? And how did you change?

At that moment of attention, you'll be alert instead of focusing your mind on how that person should behave. At that moment, try another approach.

The Alternative

• Rather than clinging to the way a person or circumstance should be, accept that there are many other ways that person or situation could be.
• Try to understand that person rather than judging them based on incomplete data, and try to understand why they acted in that way; maybe out of fear, they’re suffering one way or another, or maybe that's just a defensive mechanism.
• Try to find the kindness that lies behind that person's actions. Perhaps you will find that they are soft-hearted and afraid, and that fear is what prompted them to do what they did; perhaps they wanted to be happy, and that was their way to achieve that; or perhaps they intended to do it well but got it wrong.
  We all have a good heart deep down, but it can be hard to see. Anger can stem from jealousy, which stems from insecurity. Fear stems from a soft heart that thinks we are not doing well. An action caused by anger cannot be justified, but there must be goodness behind it.

• Take into account the suffering that caused his behavior and know that you suffered in the same way. Remember how that pain made you feel, and you will be able to understand what they are going through and wish an end to their
• Remember that you cannot dictate people’s actions because sometimes it's hard for them to figure out how to behave.
• Consider the other person a teacher. It helps you practice mindfulness, abandon your old thinking patterns, and learn about reality versus ideals about how humans behave.
• Consider the distress you actually carry around; just relax, smile, and be happy at this moment.
• Accustom yourself to seeing the good in others, yourself, and the current circumstances. There is always good in the present, if you choose to see it. Trust this, and your fear will decrease and your happiness will increase.

You can practice these tips over and over again. Doing so will make you happy and enhance all of your relationships.