Does Venting Really Help?

All of us experience occasional anger, though some more so than others. It's frequently beneficial to talk about everything going on inside of us, whether we're depressed over the loss of a loved one, enraged at friends or family, or afraid of how the world is going.

This is because talking about our feelings makes us feel less stressed and more connected to the people we share these feelings with. Therefore, when we express our feelings and someone shows empathy in return, we feel valued and supported.

However, "sharing" includes many different communication methods, so, are some of them healthier than others in the long term? Science suggests that it depends partly on how you share and how people respond to you. In fact, expressing our feelings to others often makes us feel bad, especially if we don't find a way to get some perspective on why we feel the way we do and take steps to calm ourselves.

Why Do We Seek to Vent Our Feelings?

Our feelings are precious sources of information, alerting us that something is wrong in our environment and what needs our attention whether we need to confront someone who is abusing us, hide to avoid danger, or seek comfort by talking to friends. Anger, fear, and sadness help us get ready for these situations, but if emotions are just internal cues, why share them with other people?

"We want to connect with other people who can help validate what we're going through, and venting our feelings is a really great way to fill that need," says researcher Ethan Kross, author of Chatter. “ It's good to know there is someone you can count on and who cares enough to take the time to listen to you."

Sharing our feelings also provides an opportunity to gain insight into what is causing our hurt feelings and avoid future upsets. Sometimes, simply expressing what is bothering us to another person helps us clarify the situation and identify the feelings involved. Also, Close friends and family can provide new insights and wise counsel if we find ourselves in an emotional tizzy.

Unfortunately, this last part of the equation often gets lost in the heat of the situation; “When we vent our feelings, we feel good at the moment, because we are connecting with others. However, if all we do is vent our emotions, we are not processing the things we need to, as we cannot understand what we are going through to make it meaningful,” Kross adds.

So, while venting may help build supportive relationships and feel fulfilled, it is not enough to help us. If others simply listen and empathize with us, they may inadvertently cause us more emotional distress.

Venting Disadvantages:

Psychologists have believed for many years that we should release negative emotions, such as anger, from our bodies. This has led to the idea of letting go. Psychologists literally asked people to hit soft objects, like pillows or punching bags, to release pent-up feelings.

However, it turns out that this kind of emotional release actually makes anger worse rather than better. This is because encouraging people to express their anger causes it to resurface in their bodies, strengthening the neural connections linked to anger and making it simpler to experience it once more. Studies on how to express anger have found that it is typically ineffective to do so verbally or online.

The same is true for traumatic grief or anxiety. Although we sure should seek support from those around us in difficult times of loss and pain, if we simply relive our experience without finding a way to calm ourselves or find meaning in our pain, it can lead to an increase in our suffering.

People who have worked with trauma victims have urged these individuals to express their worries by sharing what happened to them to prevent post-traumatic stress disorder. However, a randomized study found that this didn't help much, likely because talking doesn't help move people away from their trauma. Likewise, students who reported their feelings of anxiety after 9/11 experienced greater anxiety for up to four months after those who did not, the study authors wrote: "We found that their focus on and venting of feelings was uniquely predictive of long-term anxiety."

Venting feelings through social media can lead to the same result. In one study, researchers surveyed students who attended Virginia Tech and Northern Illinois University after mass shootings on both campuses to find out how venting their grief through social media helped them recover. While the students believed that venting was helpful, levels of post-traumatic stress and depression actually went up the more they talked about their feelings.

Speaking and Listening Carefully:

Venting emotions can not only make us feel bad but also harm our listeners.

Even though friends and family care enough about us to listen and empathize with us, it can be frustrating to sit with someone who is always talking about their feelings and seems to be drowning in their negative feelings without learning from their experience. Sadness can be overwhelming for listeners who may end up feeling negative about themselves.

According to Kross, "Repeatedly venting out can cause issues in social relationships, as there is frequently a limit to how much someone can listen."

We all feel guilty when we want someone to listen to us when we're feeling upset but without any desire to take any advice from them. So, when we are in pain, we often feel that those who are trying to provide solutions to our problems don't care about our feelings or even treat us with some sort of condescension.

Kross does not support this at all, as he believes that there is an art to listening and that it requires a combination of empathy and delaying speaking up until the right time. “What people desire will vary depending on the challenges they are facing and the severity of their trials,” he says. "It's crucial to understand that some people may need more time before they're ready to move from venting to thinking about it."

How to Vent Feelings Right:

There's a healthy way to vent feelings, says Kross, who suggests the following tips:

1. Be Selective When Venting Your Feelings:

There are many ways to deal with painful feelings, and not all of them involve talking with other people. Some people can gain perspective by themselves by writing down their thoughts or walking away from them through meditation. To better process your emotions and lessen emotional flashbacks that might keep you in an emotional spiral, Kross recommends changing your environment.

2. Ask Others' Perspectives When Venting Your Feelings:

You might be caught in a cycle of co-rumination if you find yourself talking about your feelings with someone but they don't go away or maybe get worse. Asking for assistance in reframing your experience can help you get out of this situation. You can ask, "How should I think about this differently?" or "What should I do in this situation?" This will encourage others to express their viewpoint. Also, this reassures them that you are seeking more than just a sympathetic ear.

3. Consider Who You Should Vent Your Feelings To:

Ask yourself, "Did this person really help me the last time I spoke to them, or did they make me feel even worse?" If someone is standing next to you, but is not inclined to broaden your perspective, you may be getting more emotional. Therefore, it might benefit you, in the long run, to be more selective about who you vent to.

4. Be Careful About Venting Your Feelings Online:

Online emotional sharing can make us feel better at the moment and help us find people who have our backs, but outcomes can vary from one case to another. This is because of the ease with which negative emotions can spread online, which can create a herd mentality that leads to bullying or trolling, particularly if you blame a specific person for your feelings. However, it's unclear whether online venting generally is good or bad, but it might prevent you from gaining the perspective you need to move forward.

Kross argues that venting is generally beneficial and helps in coping. In the long run, we will feel better and maintain healthy relationships if we can let go of our anger.