Body Language Mistakes and Ten Tips for Improving (Part I)

Do you pay close attention to your body language when communicating with others? Do you pay attention to your body posture, gestures, facial expressions, and eye movements? Are you aware of the feelings your body language is expressing?

Note: This article is taken from the author Celestine Chua, in which she talks about introverted body language and provides some tips for improving it.

According to certain studies, nonverbal acts indicate 60-70% of the meaning in human communication. This suggests that the words themselves only reflect 30-40% of the meaning, which is extremely low given that words are the greatest communicative tool individuals use. Some even argue that body language accounts for 90% of the meaning in human communication, which is a very significant proportion if the figure is right.

My Body Language in the Past:

I never thought of body language until recently, when I realized that I might have made people in the past feel like I am introverted and isolated, so let's take a look at how it was in the past:

• Whenever I spoke, my facial expressions were fairly serious.
• I kept still, and tried to move very little; for I felt the motion would be a distraction. So I used to keep my head quite straight and still, unlike some people who nod their heads, and I didn't even realize I was doing that until someone pointed it
• I was trying not to laugh or smile unless I had a reason for it (for example, someone says a joke, or discusses funny things). Because I thought that constant laughter meant that I was crude and superficial, and I didn't take the other person seriously.
• I used to cross my arms and cross one leg over the other.
• I used to look away from the person as my mind wandered, cross my arms, cross one knee over the other, look really serious, and be utterly silent, unknowingly, and as soon as I finished thinking, I would look back at the person and explain what was going on in my head.
• I was completely silent if I didn't have to talk, I didn't make any words or sounds like "um" or "uh", I didn't think out loud, and I didn't do anything to make a noise (like tapping my fingers on the table), because I felt these behaviors belittled the conversation.
• I used to not exhibit any feelings throughout the conversation; even if the person said something that startled or hurt me, I would not convey my feelings to the other party, especially if the feeling was unpleasant. This is because displaying emotion while speaking causes the individual to say what they believe I want to hear rather than what they want to say because I want to hear what the person believes, not biased thoughts.

That's how I used to interact with people, knowing that I was acting in a very different way with my close friends or when I was talking about something I was very excited about, but the above applies to people I just met or I wasn't close to.

Feedback on My Body Language:

Then I decided to ask my friend what she noticed about my body language. Because feedback is one of the best ways to learn, here's the gist of what we discussed:

• I think I look a lot more serious sometimes, what do you think about that?
• People who don't know you might think you're introverted and not interested in talking for the first time. But after a bit of chatting, it becomes clear that you're not too reserved, and you're simply very focused on the conversation, you think carefully about the topic of the conversation and give well-considered responses.
• You mentioned that people might think I was reserved and not interested in talking, what made you say that?
• When we started talking, I was a little worried because I thought you weren't interested, you looked very strict and calm, so I thought you might be bored or something, but I realized later that I was wrong because you've been asking some very deep questions about the subject, deeper than others might ask.
• Besides silence and serious appearance, did I do something else that made you feel that I was uninterested?
• For example, I noticed that you looked away or down while we were talking, that you crossed your arms or put your hands on your knees as if you were anxious or trying to defend yourself, and generally your facial expression did not convey any impression; This made me feel a little anxious. Because I don't know what's on your mind or what you might say.
• But these are unconscious actions, it is part of my nature and my usual behavior when I think, what would you advise me to do?
• Perhaps you should smile more, think of the other person, and make some physical gestures. Facial expressions such as pursed lips, a deep look, a smile, some sounds, or even some eye contact are all signs that you're thinking; these signs make me feel like I'm part of your inner world, and make you an easy person to talk to too.
• What about my words? Sometimes people say I'm talking too fast. What do you think about that?
• I don't think it's about pace, but changing the tone of your voice from high to low and your speed from quick to slow will make you appear more reactive. You communicate in a single tone and at a steady speed, which has boosted your serious expressions.

This feedback has been helpful to me. I've always suspected that certain aspects of my body language, like folding my arms, make me look closed, but I never thought that my body language might make me look reserved, disinterested, or isolated. After hearing what she said, I totally understood it. Every sign of my body language while talking, especially while thinking, such as stillness, total silence, and the absence of any expressions, was already indicative of isolation.

Why Was My Body Language Like This?

The next step was to understand why I was behaving this way. I believe that lasting change is achieved by first identifying the root of the problem and then fixing it. The problem is that most people who study body language focus only on changing their behavior, which may change their external behavior, but they ignore the root causes of the problem.

By researching my behavior, I realized that my body language was so for two reasons: first, I was afraid of letting others confuse my thoughts; second, I didn't want people to intrude on my personal space; and most importantly, I was afraid to let others know what was going on inside my head.

As a result, I subconsciously created my safe zone through discreet body language patterns. By building a barrier around myself, no one would be able to intrude into my personal space, enter my world, or hurt me.

After I realized that, it became clear what I had to do: I had to give up my unconscious isolationist thoughts and turn them into more positive ones. Despite all my attempts at the beginning, I seemed not to completely abandon these thoughts, which led to my introverted body language.

In Conclusion:

In this part of the article, we were introduced to the author's personal experience, through which she highlighted the importance of body language, the underlying reasons for her guarded, introverted body language, and how others received her body language signals.

Read on in the second and final part to understand how to overcome these challenges and to benefit from the author's guidance.