Are the Tips from the Book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” Still Applicable to Our Time?

One of my readers asked me, “I’ve just finished reading Dale Carnegie's (How to Win Friends and Influence People), and I wanted to ask about your experience with this book because I want to know how to improve my social skills. I'm twenty years old and really want to make friends. Social anxiety is something I struggle with in my life, but I'm really looking forward to getting past it."

Dale Carnegie's book was published in 1936. That is, more than 80 years ago, and it has been reissued and modified over the years, but the content has remained almost the same. So, are the tips of this old book still relevant in the age of social media, multitasking, and social pressure?

Before I share my experience in benefiting from the advice in this book, I would like to stress the importance of it, and that it is definitely worth reading, but it also contains some outdated advice, particularly in the “Six Ways to Make People Like You” chapter, and I'll include it for you and reveal what works and what doesn't work today:

1. Show your interest in others:

"You can make a lot of friends in two months by being interested in people, instead of spending two years trying to get them to be interested in you."

When making friends, you'll want to be close to people who share the same interests, hobbies, passions, and values. Otherwise, what is the point of forming these friendships? It's best to deal with people who like things you like and don't have to pretend to.

However, if you are someone who loves to socialize, it is different. People with different interests can be in the same field of work, and maybe both of you work in digital marketing, but one of you likes to run while the other hates it and prefers to play golf instead. However, this does not mean that you cannot establish a mutually beneficial working relationship with each other. You don't have to force yourself to play golf just to connect with this person, instead just be yourself and don't try to please others.

Remember that most people only care about themselves, and if you meet these types of people, you don't have to care about them, and in my experience, it's best to spend your energy on people who are interested in you too.

2. Smile:

"Actions speak louder than words. A smile indicates admiration and happiness for seeing this person. The impact of a smile is very strong."

Sure, it's great to smile, but you can also make friends without smiling all the time, and that's the point in the book that couldn't convince me. In business, it is good to be polite and friendly, but you should know by now that serious entrepreneurs do not care about outward appearances, but they care about something deeper than that.

They pay more attention and ask about things such as, “This person’s competence, the possibility of trusting them, and what they can provide in terms of actual results in their work.” So, focus on those things rather than on smiling and being kind all the time.

3. Be a good listener and encourage people to speak about themselves:

“The easiest way to become a good speaker is to be a good listener.”

Again this is a good point of the book. This applies to friends, family, clients, and business partners, but in the age of social media and the short attention span, people are so busy talking about themselves that few know how to listen attentively to others.

 The client or investor chooses you among others if you show that you understand their needs and what you can do about it. Likewise, you can make friends feel loved when you listen to their stories with full attention.

4. Talk about what interests the other person:

"The right way to win someone's heart is to talk about the things they value most."

When you talk to a potential client or investor, it's all about what they need and what their priorities are. Salespeople fail to sell their products because they keep talking about what their product can do or what its features are, but no one cares about these things. So, let others talk about their interests, needs, and concerns, listen carefully, and then focus on letting them know how your product or service can help them. This is also the key to making friends because you are naturally more inclined towards people who enjoy the same things that you do. However, you can try to expand your social circle and make friends with people who are interested in other things as long as you don't exaggerate. Otherwise, you'll look like you're making a lot of effort to be like them and care about what they seem to be interested in.

5. Try to genuinely make the other person feels valued:

“The golden rule is to treat others the way we would like to be treated.”

When people encourage you for your achievement and progress, you become more motivated to achieve your goals. Like-minded people can help us take responsibility for our progress, and they provide a sense of importance through their encouragement. This is the power of team collaboration.

It’s not always about making friends and influencing others:

As you can see, most of the tips in "How to Win Friends and Influence People" are still valid and effective, and the only thing you have to understand is that you shouldn’t just seek to please others as there is no merit in that. Most people actually don't like it when you're trying so hard to please them, and it can be annoying to them.

You will also notice that the book focuses on the other person a lot. It is all about the other person's interests, hobbies, and fears, but healthy relationships are a two-way street. You can't always be the listener or the person trying to understand. The book didn’t stress that enough. However, you have to get the other party to listen to you too, and if they don't like it, so be it.

If your friends are only interested in talking about themselves and what they like, I suggest that you find new friends. There are many who care about what you have to say and vice versa.

In conclusion:

If you want to impress someone and convince them of your way of thinking, you can't just do it by listening. You also have to give your opinion, tell your story, and share your ideas in an effective and impactful way.