7 Facts About Depression and Psychological Pain Caused by Trauma You Need to Know

Psychological pain is often more severe and harder than physical pain. Based on my experience, I know well that one of the most severe psychological pain is depression and traumatic pain.

About a decade ago, my wife "Angel" and I went through many successive shocks, including the death of Angel's brother, the loss of our best friend due to a heart attack, and the loss of our home to the economic recession. The pain that each of these shocks caused was unspeakable. Especially since these shocks happened in succession, which made us feel sad and depressed. For a long time, we avoided going out of the house and talking to people, even those who sympathized with us. We also avoided talking to each other.

Fortunately, with the right support we gradually regained our resolve and began to move forward with greater vigor and with a greater appreciation of the value of life. Without going into many details of this gradual process of recovery, it eventually led to the reality that Angel and  I live in today after more than a decade.

We spent the greater part of this stage presenting the summary of our experience to many wonderful people, through coaching and training courses with the aim of eliminating depression, pain caused by loss, and other forms of psychological distress.

This work was not easy at all, but the results were worth it. It changed the course of our lives, and it was certainly the positive side of the hardships that Angel and I went through.

In an interview on a TV station, the topic of the meeting was our new book “Reclaiming Happiness: Change Your Thoughts, Your Reality and Turn Difficulties into Successes,” the presenter asked the most pressing question: “What did you learn during the past 10 years of coaching people to overcome depression and frustration?"

We tried to answer the question as best we could, and to give a brief insight. But the time of the program did not allow us to elaborate further. So later Angel and I thought about this question for a long time.

What we've found is that there are no tips that suit everyone for dealing with depression and trauma. But there are some very important general principles that apply to most people suffering from depression and the pain of trauma.

So what you are going to read are not general principles. Rather, they are practical principles that will be a starting point for you to get the support you or someone you love needs:

1. Depression is not a psychological condition related to logical or conscious thinking:

What a person with depression feels is like feeling lost. In other words, if you are depressed, it may take a while to realize that. Most people with depression continue to convince themselves for a good while that what they are feeling are just temporary feelings and that they will quickly get over what they are feeling.

The days go by and you still don't realize what you're really going through. Though confession is painful, you begin to realize that you've been lost for so long that you no longer know what to do.

Of course you did not choose this situation for yourself. But you are in it right now, and you don't know how to get out of it. It can be said that this description applies to almost all cases of depression.

Depression is one of the most difficult emotional experiences a person can go through. Sometimes a person feels completely lost, sometimes feels complete despair, and sometimes it is difficult to determine what he is feeling.

The pain may reach the point where the person feels that he is living only because he has to, and is unable to do any of the things that were previously enjoyable.

We emphasize that no one chooses to become depressed. Entering into or out of depression is not optional. Rather, it is a psychological condition that must be dealt with seriously and healed through long-term gradual successive steps.

2. Depression is not a simple state of frustration or extreme sadness. Rather, it is often misunderstood:

Trauma can lead to depression. But depression remains a completely different state from frustration or pain caused by trauma. It is not a logical or emotional state, and not a direct response to a difficult situation. It is a real mental illness that has a medical diagnosis based on its negative symptoms. But for the patient, it remains an individual experience that cannot be understood by someone who has not experienced it.

Some people may believe that they know the meaning of depression through their harsh experiences such as divorce, job loss or the death of a loved one. While these traumas may lead to depression, they are just factors that do not alone lead to this psychological disorder.

Most of these harsh experiences are accompanied by violent emotional experiences. They are side effects of trauma. Depression, on the other hand, is unbearably devoid of feelings and emotions. Thus, it drains a person's emotional and mental capabilities and completely strips him of hope.

When you are depressed you feel like you have become a stranger. You are frustrated, suspicious, very sad. You lost the will to live. You are hopeless and helpless. You feel constant anxiety, you also feel fear. The reason is that all these feelings are strange to you, and you are experiencing them for the first time. In addition, you suddenly feel hope, but soon you lose it.

To explain depression in a better way, we will quote David Wallace's novel "Humor Without Borders". In it he says: "A person who is described psychologically as depressed and who commits suicide does not do that because he is desperate, not because he is bankrupt and has a lot of debt, and of course not because death seems attractive by surprise. A person whose psychological torment reaches an intolerable degree and who commits suicide, is like a person who throws himself out of a window to escape a fire that devours the entire building”.

To use this comparison to explain the psychological and mental state of the depressed, we say that these people fear death like a healthy person who is afraid to jump out of a high-rise window.

But what drives them to commit suicide, which we imaged as jumping from the window, is their fear of something else, which we imaged as fire. When the fire approaches a person, jumping from the window becomes the lesser of two evils.

So he did not want to die. He was afraid of burning. Then the person standing down and pleading with him not to jump won't understand it. You won't understand it unless you're surrounded by fire and you feel its heat close to your body and you feel like jumping out of a window seems less terrifying than burning to death.

3. A depressed person feels like a burden to the people who love him:

Here's a quote from "The Cat's Eye" by Margaret Atwood: "I don't want to see anyone. I'll lie in my bed and draw the curtains while I feel this emptiness. Whatever happens to me it's my fault, no doubt. I must have made a mistake so big that I can't define it and it's on my shoulders. I'm stupid and unworthy of anything even life".

This quote beautifully illustrates the depressed feeling of loneliness and solitude. It is strange that he is depressed and despite his feeling of despair in his solitude, this feeling of loneliness is what drives him to more solitude. Depressed people usually feel that they are a burden on the people close to them. This is what pushes them to isolate and distance themselves from others despite their urgent need for them in this situation. So if someone you care about is depressed and isolated, try your best to make him always remember that you are there for him. But don't pressure him to socialize or talk about his feelings if he really doesn't want to.

Be patient and make it easy for them. Approach them slowly for informal conversations when you can bring them out of their complete isolation, even for a few minutes of conversation. Meet them at random intervals, so it doesn't seem deliberate. Try your hardest to make them feel like they're not alone.

4. Melancholy and grief drain our energies at all levels:

Constant fatigue is a common side effect of depression. Also intense frustration that even getting out of bed in the morning can be very difficult, and even painful. Sometimes a person who suffers from these mental disorders feels fine. But suddenly he loses all his energy, even if he follows a healthy diet and gets enough sleep. This makes the person plans without implementing anything from his plans, leaves social events early, and refuses more than usual.

This behavior does not express the depressed person's hostility towards his friends and family. This has nothing to do with anyone. These are just some of the common side effects of intense mental suffering. Therefore, if anyone from those close to you suffers psychologically, remember that a person cannot offer more than what he has. Since depression and frustration drain the patient’s energy, you should not pressure this person to do what he cannot. You must show him love in your actions and words without waiting for him to love you back.

When you do not interpret a patient's behavior as being personally relevant to you, you liberate yourself and you are able to give love to that person who needs it most. So give him all the love you can without expecting anything in return.

5. Traditional positive motivational phrases don't work for severe depression and sadness:

It's too easy to say positive statements like "time will heal" and "take it easy, it's not a big deal" or "you need to relieve yourself" or "let go and move on". But when a person is depressed or very sad, these statements often do not evoke any positive feeling or thought. Hence it is useless.

The reason is that these statements do not address the problem that the patient suffers from and cause him more anxiety. Which makes the depressed person or the person suffering from severe sadness want more isolation. So when you get the chance to say something to a depressed person just try as much as possible to show them your support and love.

You can say to him, for example: “I love you. Many others love you, believe me please. Remember that the people who love you deserve that you recover for them, even if you do not feel that you are capable of that. Please remember all the beautiful memories that your depression and sadness prevent you from remembering, and try to recover them at this time.

Calm down, be brave and focus only on the present. Take simple steps to improve gradually. Exercise is good for you, even if it is very difficult at the beginning. Eat when you do not feel like it. Think when you feel that thinking will do nothing. I am here with you and I will stay with you Because I believe in you. We will get through this together."

6. Grief is a starting point for healing and living a good long-term life:

Depression robs the sufferer of human emotions. For this reason it must be treated carefully. Grief, in turn, can help us move forward through the emotions we feel during a time of sadness.

Of course, great sadness is not a pleasant experience, but it can be a useful experience when properly absorbed. In fact we humans sometimes get used to the pain of sorrow, and the fortitude that it gives us.

My wife "Angel" once told me, “I will remember my brother's death for the rest of my life. But I will be fine because this will make me feel that he will always be with me”. Angel expressed with these words that traumas do not just break your heart. It also has a positive side. We gradually become more receptive to painful feelings, which makes us stronger.

When the trauma results from the loss of a loved one, you may never get over the feeling of sadness simply because you still love the person you lost. However, it is possible to make your love for this person a positive thing.

You can take inspiration from the person you lost. So you feel that although the sadness will continue, it has turned into a warm feeling that helps you to develop yourself and move forward in life. Despite your pain, you go on with your life, and this adds to your personality a specialty and depth that makes you stronger.

The truth is that the wisest and most experienced lovers in life are those who have been subjected to violent psychological trauma. Life polishes us through traumatic experiences. When we go through harsh experiences, we get the opportunity to recreate our personality in a perfect way. So don't be surprised to learn that the most compassionate, loving and wise people are those who have been broken by pain. But they turned it into noble sentiments and wisdom that could not be obtained otherwise.

Angel and I have dealt with hundreds of these wonderful people over the past 10 years. That was both in real life and through the Internet, whether through coaching, side projects, or annual conferences.

In many cases, these people turn to us because they feel hopeless, lost, and unaware of their abilities and the fact that the suffering they go through is what makes them strong and special in this life.

Honestly, most of these people are currently the best people we have met. They have given us much more over the past years than we have given them. They continue to be our greatest daily inspiration.

7. Traumatic experiences lead to an experience called PTSD:

In the context of the previous point, it is good to mention that there is an emerging field in psychology known as “post-traumatic growth”. Which has proven that as human beings, we are able to exploit various forms of difficulties, even those that lead to severe psychological pain and mild or moderate depression, to develop ourselves intellectually over the long term.

In particular, studies have found that difficulties can help us develop our resilience, satisfaction and emotional strength. The reason is that when our conviction that the world is a safe place is shaken by trauma, we are forced to change our view of things. Seeing things from a completely different perspective helps us to develop ourselves.

Here is an excerpt dealing with post-traumatic growth from our new book “Reclaiming Happiness: Change Your Thoughts and Your Reality and Turn Difficulties into Successes'': "We must always remember that we can recover from difficulties. Most of us find their true path in life of meaning and motivation after going through a difficult experience. Most of us do not realize how many instances of self-development are through difficult experiences. The difficulty is to realize the latent opportunity in these unexpected and unwanted events. Hence we must hold on to hope. In the aftermath of intense pain, we must know that the next is better, and there is always better.

Of course, traumatic events are not easily tolerated, unless we can turn them into life-changing opportunities by motivating ourselves to develop ourselves in the best way possible.

It is not an easy experience. But most of us have the mental and emotional ability to come out of these traumas stronger, more focused, and with a better view of life. Most of the psychological studies that dealt with people who have suffered psychological traumas, have proven that 50% of them have been able to transform a negative experience into a positive change. These changes range from simple, such as a person starting to appreciate his life even in normal days, to drastic changes in the entire life.

But the basic idea remains that the most painful events can be viewed as circumstances that offer us wonderful opportunities. Difficulties often lead us to confront the fact that life is fickle. Then we value what we have and most importantly we understand ourselves deeply and what we want to achieve with the rest of our lives”.

In conclusion:

There is no doubt that depression is a real mental illness that we should not treat as just a passing disorder. So if you or anyone you know suffers from depression, do not hesitate to consult a doctor. On the other hand, traumatic experiences resulting from trauma are a great opportunity for self-development if you know how to see the positive side of these difficult circumstances.

Depression and traumatic pain have one thing in common in that they both make you value life more when you recover. Most importantly, you are likely to come back stronger than you were.