5 Steps to Relieve your Emotional Pain

Many years ago, I was struck by the amount of pain a broken heart can cause. We call it heartbreak, however, when my most recent relationship ended, I experienced a great deal of pain and distress and felt as though my entire being had been shattered.

Note: This article is by Ziella Bryars, who shares her experience in relieving emotional distress.

I was stuck in that liminal space because I was so attached and completely unwilling to break up.

My sense of embarrassment transcended my shock. My inner voice kept convincing me to set the record straight and move on.

However, recent research on emotional pain shows that it affects human beings both physiologically and mentally. Instead of looking at emotional pain as something minor and insignificant, one must perceive it as an advanced form of grief. In reality, I wasn't acting silly; in fact, I was dealing with the crushing weight of emotional loss.

One of the first heartwarming articles I read while dealing with the confusing consequences of my desperate breakup was an overall review of studies on emotional pain by Psychologist Tiffany Field at Miami University.

She compiled research from various researchers demonstrating that emotional pain's symptoms are comparable to those of bereavement, such as insomnia, poor immune functions, digestive issues, body aches, depression, and anxiety, and ultimately, broken heart syndrome, as the trauma caused by loss can lead to a heart attack.

At least I knew I wasn't relying on my over-adolescent behavior; I was abandoned and deeply affected by the sense of loss. If you're confused and overwhelmed just like me, considering emotional pain accordingly may help you overcome this.

Not only did I feel sad, displaced, and confused, but I also felt like I was physically ill. A few days after my breakup, I wasn't able to eat. Although I'm so passionate about food, its smell seemed so uncomfortable to me. I've had nausea, which is one of the symptoms of the stomach flu. I thought love sickness was nothing but a poetic metaphor. However, I rushed to the bathroom to actually vomit.

The stress of rejection, betrayal, and loss is one of the major reasons we feel sick in the aftermath of a breakup. This, in turn, leads to the release of the stress hormone cortisol.

Excessive cortisol release in critical situations is incredibly beneficial. It energizes our bodies and activates our fight-or-flight response (also known as the acute stress response). The fight-or-flight response is a type of "domino" effect that occurs within us. Our brains sense a threat, and as a result, our bodies declare a state of emergency and release stress hormones in response to that threat.

But without our fight-or-flight response, we would suffer some negative side effects. You could end up (if you don't use it to ward off this danger) with tension and muscle stress, as this results in physical pain.

Cortisol and other hormones also direct our bodies to transfer blood away from our digestive system to ensure that our muscles have enough blood to fuel the fight-or-flight response.

This transference can greatly harm the digestive system, as it results in stomach pain, diarrhea, or a loss of appetite. People who suffer heartbreak feel like their world is collapsing. However, they are just experiencing a normal physical reaction to a surge of cortisol caused by stress.

Broken-hearted people also desperately need neurotransmitters and dopamine, which is a hormone the body produces when we fall in love. Dopamine is produced in the reward pathway of the brain, the part that generates pleasure and stimulation.

Dopamine doesn't only cause happiness; it also generates energy and motivation and strengthens one's focus. This puts us on a relentless quest to get more dopamine, more romantic fugues, and more rewards and pleasure.

One theory proposed by anthropologist Helen Fisher at the Kinsey Institute is that love differs from other emotions, such as fear, sadness, and joy. Since it is, in fact, a mammalian drive designed to keep us focused on our search for a partner. For Helen, falling in love is so intertwined with these dopamine releases.

These pleasurable brain rewards occur for some kind of evolutionary reason. We are evolved to associate with this hormone. However, when we experience feeling sad for the first time, the previously stimulated areas of the brain don't immediately calm down or reduce arousal. Instead, they remain active.

The initial conflict of being heartbroken takes place inside the brain, where the areas that love activates are still working fine. Brain scans of rejected lovers show that the brain's reward pathway is still active even after the breakup, the same as the area associated with feelings of deep attachment. We're still motivated to find ways to activate these pleasure enhancements, even in the absence of the one who triggered them.

There are plenty of addictive articles that tackle the concept of love, which can make so much sense when you're experiencing a traumatic breakup for the first time.

Also, we have to deal with the unpleasant side effects of cortisol and the confusing signs in the reward pathway of our brain in our attempt to get these small doses of happiness. This combination will make us feel not only physically drained but downright disoriented.

The word "confused" could barely describe my state, as I was so lost and chaotic. I felt like everything around me was spinning. The shock of that unexpected and unprepared breakup made me lose balance because I didn’t only lose that person; rather, I lost a part of me.

In such a case, a loss of identity may occur. You will experience a radical change in your daily routine. A common feeling, often referred to as "self-concept change," emerges after the breakup that isn't only associated with losing that person but rather with watching your whole world collapsing right before your eyes.

A relationship with someone may unlock new features in your personality. However, after the breakup, some of these features collapse, which weakens this new personality. The fact that every new relationship seems to be so promising and positive makes it hard to deal with the aftermath of the breakup.

In their 2020 book, Interpersonal Relationships and the Self-Concept, psychologist Gary Lewandowski Jr. of Monmouth University, New Jersey, and his colleagues demonstrate that a recent theory on changing self-concept in relationships is based on our desire to change.

Our future goals are amplified when we are in a relationship with someone, and we feel motivated to form something new and positive. Having a partner is relieving, not only because they boost our confidence in ourselves (which is already very reassuring). Rather, they help us develop a new perspective (a better version) of ourselves in the days to come.

According to this theory, once you find a partner, you start to believe that this relationship will let your perfect self come to the surface. Unfortunately, this inspiring idea will suddenly disappear. You've already committed yourself fully to this new, improved, and exciting version of your life.

Perhaps, prior to this relationship, you didn't consider moving to Paris or having this new job, and yet, given your martial identity, you believed that nothing was impossible. It's normal to feel overwhelmed when the world you've drawn in your imagination starts to collapse. In the beginning, you'll feel lost and sad. However, over time, things will go back to normal.

There are plenty of exercises that can help you ease your stress, calm your mind, and process what happened.

Even though it's unfortunate to be heartbroken, the fact that you're in the 21st century and surrounded by scientific advancements that can aid you in your journey toward self-recovery has a silver lining. You don’t have to go through those days and weeks of grief, as there are plenty of tips you can follow to effectively ease that pain and start feeling a little better again.

5 Steps to Relieve your Emotional Pain

Here’s what to do:

1. Embrace your feelings

One of the serene practices that you can try in the first few weeks, which may be very confusing, is simply accepting the way you feel. This strategy is derived from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). The basic idea is that if we gave ourselves permission to feel whatever we are experiencing without self-judgment, that could really help us process the things that make us suffer.

This could be done by focusing on one simple phrase that expresses your feelings. For example, “it’s good to feel sad,” “you’re not the only one who is sad,” or “it’s okay to love someone you are no longer with.” In these moments, we accept the fact that our feelings are legitimate, not absurd or harmful.

A recent study conducted by the Neurocognition of Emotion and Motivation Lab at the University of Missouri-St. Louis used this technique on heartbroken participants. This study showed that focusing on these phrases for a few seconds reduces the previously stimulated interest of the partner. This means that the participants felt less attracted to those who had broken their hearts and maybe more free to move on.

It wasn’t like these people were no longer sad or heartbroken, but they were less affected by their previous partners. This could be incredibly beneficial if you are still attached to the person who has just rejected you.

This technique allows you to focus on the present without trying to overcome anything, as it enables you to accept your current situation. You could use this as a form of meditation. Start your day with a few minutes where you can be kind to yourself and honest about how you feel. Find a peaceful area and give yourself this time to relax. Concentrate on a small, genuine emotion without criticizing it.

2. It's okay to feel sad

You may feel tempted to “hold it together” when you are in shock or when you receive bad news. If you are able to view this emotional pain as a form of grief, allowing yourself to cry and grieve over this loss can be a substantial way to release some of the sadness you are experiencing.

How many times have you heard the phrase “sadness comes in waves”? These waves may proceed and keep cycling. While it’s logical that you wouldn’t want to cry during a meeting or on your way back home on a crowded bus, it would probably feel terrible trying to hold back this sadness inside.

When you go through these waves of sadness, the best thing to do is to allow yourself to cry or to accept the fact that you are upset. You don’t want to bottle up these feelings by hiding your distress or answering every “how are you?” with a high-pitched “I am perfectly fine!”

This is the appropriate time to ask for support. Be honest about how terrible you feel, and give yourself permission to take it seriously. Perhaps your inner voice is gentler than it was. So, be frank about your emotions, cry when you need to, and reach out to friends when you need them.

3. Exercise

There is a poster at the gym that I go to that says, “When your body is occupied, your brain won’t be.” I know that this is not a new discovery, but it easily summarizes my experience with exercising. I can sense that my brain is clear and my stress is reduced whenever I am practicing sports.

This was magical, as I had no idea that there was tons of research regarding this matter. I conducted a major review of these studies and looked at data from nearly 20,000 participants. I found a strong connection between physical activities and the reduction of psychological pressure. This can make a difference even if these activities are simple, such as cleaning or gardening.

Even if you are deeply aware of everything mentioned above, it can be challenging to find the energy to be active when you are grieving. Initially, it’s tempting to curl up and give in to lethargy, and of course, you may find that your motivation is low. This is not the time to blame yourself or set unattainable goals.

Simply setting modest, manageable goals—maybe trying to go out for a 10-minute walk a day—can be helpful. Taking small steps can also help you increase the amount of exercise. When you exercise and get your heart rate up, your cortisol levels drop, and even just by a small amount at a time, it can help mitigate the unpleasant effects of stress.

4. Outdoor activities

Nature can be really therapeutic. The idea of "forest bathing" may sound like a recent trend. However, immersing yourself in nature to relieve stress or sadness is nothing new in many cultures. It has been used in Japan for many years, and over the past 40 years, research there has shown that walking in the woods can not only help you when you're feeling low. Rather, it also reduces stress levels, improves focus, and even boosts the immune system.

If you don’t live next to a gorgeous Japanese forest, that’s okay. Recent studies that tracked groups of participants walking in open green spaces have reported that those who get outside in nature—aas opposed to those in an urban environment—hhave a greater increase in endorphins and a greater decrease in cortisol levels.

Merely walking in green spaces can help. If we wanted to improve our bad mood, getting a boost of endorphin, a chemical produced by the body that relieves stress and pain and creates feelings of happiness, is well worth getting off the busy streets and heading into more natural environments.

5. Keep yourself busy

One way to soothe your mind after a breakup is through distractions. The aforementioned study from the University of Missouri-St. Louis took broken-hearted men and women and tested the use of distraction to relieve distress.

Participants were asked to distract themselves from thoughts of their emotional grief by focusing on topics unrelated to their breakup. Like their favorite music or movies, or where they might want to travel next.

The results showed that after using this technique, their health scores were higher and that this had a positive effect on their emotions and moods. The distraction techniques used in this experiment were mostly about shifting the mind to other, happier topics so that you don't get sucked into negative thoughts, but the distraction could also be about engaging yourself in an activity or watching a movie.

This does not mean that you should not think about your past relationship at all. Distraction techniques are not about suppressing memories or burying your feelings but instead redirecting your thoughts when something keeps coming to mind.

Of course, you'll continue to have thoughts about this person and your relationship, but if they're too much for you to handle at first, as they frequently are, it might be a relief to give your mind a break.

It is common to experience some form of depression after a breakup. Some studies show that up to 40% of people who are grieving experience it.

However, if this depression begins to become overwhelming, the bad mood that can follow the loss may turn into something more serious. You should try to mitigate this as much as possible by keeping your mind from thinking too much about the breakup.

Key points on relieving the pain of emotional grief

• Emotional pain is a form of grief. You have lost an important person in your life, and this loss has a powerful impact, even when that person is still alive. The loss triggers a stress response, and in the aftermath of the initial breakup, you may still be reeling from the impact of this trauma.
• The effects of cortisol, a key stress hormone, can be incredibly damaging and can cause unpleasant side effects such as digestive issues, aches, and pains.
• Lowering cortisol levels can help relieve these symptoms. You can do this by increasing your exercise, spending time in nature, and expanding your social support.
• Distraction techniques can help reduce the tendency to have negative thoughts or distressing memories after a breakup.
• Emotional sadness can lead to depression. You should be aware of the extent of your mood deterioration and seek professional help if necessary. There is no small breakup that does not cause depression.