7 Vital Rules For Understanding People
The title may seem exaggerated, and it's clear that nothing is more complex than human behavior. However, most people tend to trip over the same mistakes, and these mistakes are so frequent that they lead to conflicts later on.
So, in this article we're going to have a closer look at seven rules that will help you avoid these mistakes. One of the qualities that we humans characterize is being nice, friendly, and interesting. Most of the books you will read about how to deal with people state two things:
- Very obvious matters, which most sane people understand, but not always master, like being kind or considerate, and so on.
- Strange, complex theories that explain some behaviors, but are difficult to generalize.
Between these two, there's an information gap. That is, it can be applied in general, but it's not always clear. These frequent mistakes tend to cause conflicts, social mistakes, and emotional disturbances for most people.
The Seven Rules for Understanding People:
Rule No. 1: Do not confuse hate with vanity
People don't care about you, not because they're mean or mischievous, but simply because they 're mostly self-centered, so keep in mind this hypothetical chart that shows a variety of thoughts the average person has.
People's way of thinking is divided into: 10% empathy, 30% relationships, and 60% self-directed thoughts.
In this example, 60% of thoughts are self-directed, and include goals, problems, and feelings. 30% are directed towards relationships, and how they affect us, for example, what does so-and-so think of me? How will the manager rate my performance in the next review? Do my friends like me or see me as a pain in the neck?
The last 10% in this model is the time we spend on empathy, which is a rare occurrence, as a person feels for others' feelings, problems, and perspectives. So, instead of asking for someone's thoughts of me, ask what they are thinking?
Within this percentage, most people split attention between hundreds of other people they know. As a result, you'll occupy a fraction of most people's minds, and the percentage allocated to a solid relationship will be much less. Also, if you occupy other people's thoughts, that's how your relationship affects them, not you.
What does that mean?
- Embarrassment is irrational. Also, because others focus only a small part of their thoughts on judging you, your self-judgment is much greater.
- People who come off as mean or hurtful usually don't do it on purpose. There are exceptions to this, but generally the hurt you feel is a side effect, not the main cause.
- Your job is to maintain relationships. Don't wait for others to invite you to parties or for people to approach you.
Rule No. 2: Few social behaviors are obvious
This rule means that most intentions underlying our actions are hidden. If a person feels depressed or angry, the resulting behaviors usually distort their true feelings. If you feel that someone is brushing you off, you may keep quiet but do just the same later.
The old joke is that women use some words like "okay" and "go on" when they really feel otherwise, but you'll notice that men do it in polite situations too, though not often in the same way.
To apply this rule, you need to focus on empathy, not just listening. Show trust, build rapport, learn to search, and explore. By focusing on empathy, you can let go of negative feelings and get to the heart of the problem quickly.
Another application of this rule is that most of the time you feel something that no one else will know about it but you. So, don't get angry when people don't respond to you.
Rule No. 3: Behavior is largely dictated by selfish altruism
To say that everyone is completely selfish is an overstatement. It amounts to ignoring all acts of kindness, sacrifice, and love that make the world go round, but most behaviors operate out of the principle of selfish altruism.
Selfish altruism is essentially the benefit to all parties, and the way in which it helps directly or indirectly.
There are 4 basic categories to which this applies:
1. Deals:
If you buy a car, both you and the dealer benefit. You'll get the car you want, and the dealer will get money to improve their life. This is the dominant form of selfish altruism among people who don't have emotional bonds.
2. Family:
Family comes first, as we are made to protect people who share our genes. This can sometimes include close friends and loved ones.
3. Status:
Helping someone is a sign of power. Most primate species will provide assistance as a sign of dominance, and people act similarly and offer assistance to boost their self-esteem and reputation.
4. Implied reciprocity:
Most relationships are based on the idea that if you help someone, one day they will help you too.
Behavior may fall outside this group, for example, unsung heroes dying for causes that don't help their bloodline, or volunteers devoting their time to humanitarian missions but are in the minority, while most actions can be interpreted as a form of selfish altruism.
How does this rule apply? You understand people's motivations, and you appeal to them as if they were selfish. Look for ways to help people who fall under these four categories, and don't expect them to help out of selfish altruism. It's not impossible, but it's not likely either.
Rule No. 4: People have a poor memory
Did anyone tell you their name at a party, but it slipped your mind later? Another rule of human behavior is that people have a hard time remembering things, specifically information that doesn't apply to them. People are more likely to remember your similarities than your differences unless they're emotionally upset with them.
The truth is that most people are naturally forgetful. So, once again, don't assume hatred or indifference if others forget something. The flip side of this rule is that you can establish credibility by boosting your memory.
Rule No. 5: All people are emotional
This might be an overkill, but the gist of the message is that people tend to have stronger feelings about something than they claim. People who suddenly get angry, depressed, or very excited are generally upset in most cases. This applies specifically to men.
Applying this rule is not to assume that everything's fine just because someone doesn't have a breakdown. We all have our separate problems, anxieties, and disorders that we usually contain, so you don't need to go criticizing people for their deception. Being sensitive to those basic things gives you an advantage in trying to help.
The alternative application of this rule is similar to the second rule. People generally assume that everything is fine unless you get angry.
Rule No. 6: People are lonely
This is another broad generalization. It's surprising how many people who seem to have it all suffer from bouts of loneliness. People are particularly sensitive to threats and fear being casted off by others. In the primitive age of mankind, exile meant death, so the feeling of loneliness and the desire to be with others is crucial.
The application of this rule is that loneliness is fairly common. So, you're not really alone, and you can get upset when you feel lonely or estranged in a social group. Even though you're still human, you'll find it common to acknowledge this feeling as a way to minimize it.
Rule No. 7: People are self-obsessed
This may sound like a repetition of the first rule, but applications go beyond relationships and your emotional state. The fact that people tend to care about themselves and not about you, and that they tend to be lonelier, more emotional, and feel differently than they pretend applies to the way you look at the world.
Winding it up:
If anything, it's that this perspective should make you more proactive and independent. After you really start learning these rules, it'll make sense to take charge, and when you link your happiness to others, you brush off all these rules, and you do so at your own risk.
People generally do their best, but they make mistakes and suffer from unintentional self-love. In other words, they are basically just like you.