4 Hard Truths That Will Make You a Stronger Person
We are all amazing humans trying to find our way. We strive daily to understand the meaning of our lives better.
Note: This article is taken from Angel Chernoff's blog, where she talks about 4 difficult truths that will make you a stronger person in life.
We long to discover our gifts and unleash them fully into the world, and we hope to find happiness, peace, and strength along the way. For some of us, our desire to find those things drives our actions and how we do them from moment to moment.
For others, these deep-seated needs are buried below the noise of daily life, below ego, fear, and the pressures and norms we face in society, and these needs are rarely met.
Along my journey of self-actualisation, I have seen so many amazing people, whether friends or course students, discover their paths to happiness and self-fulfilment, and I have noticed many common matters emerge. In all cases, the happiness they discover and gradually develop internally is seeded by the realisation of certain hard fundamental truths about the nature of their lives in the present day.
It seems we are all present in this life to realise these realities. Still, in our way, and after being fully aware of these realities, not only intellectually but also emotionally and spiritually, then we can find the happiness, peace and strength we seek.
4 Facts that will make you a stronger person to discover
1. Everything you love and everything you are comfortable with is changing
Over the past decade, my husband Marc and I have gradually worked with hundreds of course students and coaching clients, and we have realised that the root cause of most human stress is simply our stubborn propensity to hold on to things.
In short, we hold on tight to the hope that things will go exactly as we imagine, and then our lives become complicated when they do not. So, how can we stop holding on? We can do it by realising that there is nothing to hold on to in the first place.
Most of the things we desperately try to hold on to, as if they are real and everlasting in our lives, are not there, and if they are there in some form, they are changing, impermanent, or simply imagined in our minds. Life gets a lot easier to deal with when we understand this.
Imagine yourself struggling so hard to hold on to something that does not exist or that you think exists but, in reality, does not. Just imagining this thing is causing you psychological stress and fatigue, and that is because you are going aimlessly and trying to hold on to something that does not exist.
Now imagine yourself taking a deep breath and realise that the thing you are trying to hold on to does not exist. Then, you can either keep struggling to hold on to something that does not exist or accept the idea that there is nothing to hold on to and relax.
Of course, it is not easy. One of the hardest life lessons is letting go, whether it is guilt, anger, love or even loss. Change is never easy. You fight to hold on and struggle to let go, but letting go is often the best way forward.
It clears out toxic things from the past and paves the way to achieve the most positive benefit from the present, so you have got to free yourself emotionally from some of the things that once meant a lot to you previously so that you can move beyond the past and the pain it brings you.
2. 98% of the pain you feel today is self-created by your emotional attachment to the past
If somebody is working on themselves and changing for the better, it is unnecessary to keep bringing up their past. People can change and grow. You know this is true. But, have you given yourself a chance to change and grow, too? Have you tried to forget everything that has happened in your past to be able to progress again in your life?
If your answer is “yes”, you are not alone. I know exactly how you feel. I went through this, and I know a lot of people who went through the same thing as well. Sometimes, we all fall victim to the past; sometimes, we do not realise that we prevent good events in our lives because of our adherence to the past. So, do your best to realise this right away.
Growth and change are very painful, but in the end, nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere in the past. So, remind yourself of a powerful lesson, a vital truth, “you can have a heart-breaking story from the past, without letting it rule your present.”
In the present moment, we all have some kind of pain either anger, sadness, frustration, disappointment, regret, etc. Notice this pain within yourself, observe it closely, and see that it is caused by whatever story you have about what happened in the past, whether it was in the recent past or the distant past.
Your mind might insist that the pain you feel is caused by what happened, but what happened in the past is not happening right now. It is over, and it has passed. But the pain is still happening right now because of the story you have been subconsciously telling yourself about the past incident.
Note that “story” does not mean “fake story.” It also does not mean “true story.” The word “story” in the context of your self-evaluation does not have to imply true or false, positive or negative, or any other kind of forceful judgment. It is simply a process that is happening inside your head.
- You remember something that happened.
- You subconsciously perceive yourself as a victim of this incident.
- Your memory of what happened causes a strong emotion in you.
Do not judge your story; do not judge yourself. We all have stories. It is natural to have a story. See your story for what it is and see that it is causing you pain, then take deep breaths. Inner peace begins when you take these deep breaths and choose not to allow the past to rule your inner emotions. So, have faith in the now.
3. Many of the things you would like to control today are better left uncontrolled
Some things in life are worth changing and controlling. Most things are not. So, “If you want to control the animals, give them a larger pasture.” That is a quote my husband and I heard at a meditation retreat several years ago in a group discussion focused on the power of changing one's attitude about the things one cannot or does not need to change.
I see “the animals” and their “larger pasture” as letting go and allowing things to be how they are. Instead of trying to control something tightly, you must go easy, giving you more space, “a larger pasture.” The animals will be happier; they will roam around and do what they naturally do, and your needs will be met, too. You will have more space to be at peace, just like the animals.
This same philosophy holds true for many aspects of life. Stepping back and allowing certain things to happen means that these things will happen, and your needs will also be met. You will have less stress, less to do, and more time and energy to work on the things that truly matter and the things you actually can control, like your attitude about everything.
This form of letting go does not mean giving up. It is about surrendering any obsessive attachment to particular people, outcomes or situations. It means showing up every day to be your best self and doing your best without expecting life to go a certain way. It is about focusing on what matters and letting go of what does not.
The energy of someone aspiring to create something wonderful, teamed with this kind of surrender, is far more powerful and rewarding than someone determined to create outcomes with a mentality of compulsion and desperation. Surrendering brings inner peace and joy; lest we forget, our public lives reflect our inner state of being. So, put yourself back in control by letting most things be.
4. Your time today is priceless
This morning, I was replying to emails from our newest course students when I came across one from a student named Laura. The letter immediately grabbed my attention. The subject was: “Your book gave me strength when I was dying.”
The opening paragraph of her email said, “I just want to thank you for giving me hope, daily reminders, and the little tools I needed. As I was literally fighting for my life after emergency heart surgery, I read the copy of your new book that you sent me while I was in the hospital. During the hardest part of the recovery process, I would try to force myself to read for just five minutes at a time because it was all the energy I had. But even in small doses, your words kept my spirits high and focused effectively when I needed it most.
The daily ritual of reading your book was truly my lifeline at times. And believe it or not, the 50% estimated chance of full recovery they gave me just a couple of short months ago became 99.9% this morning when my doctors officially concluded that my surgery and ongoing procedures have all been incredibly successful.”
This is incredible. What a brave woman! What an inspiring journey! And then she wrapped up her email with this: “I’m just so grateful I get to use what you’ve taught me for my second chance at life.”
Above all else, her email reminds me that too many of us wait too long to live our best lives. We keep putting everything important to us off until tomorrow. Then, we simply do not have as much time as we expected. We ask, “How did the time pass so quickly?”
So do not let this be you. Like Laura, make today the beginning of your second chance of life. Take time to figure yourself out and realise what you want and need. Take time to take risks, love, laugh, cry, learn and work for what you need. Life is shorter than it often seems to be.
Conclusion
Tomorrow’s progress is always compounded by today’s effort, no matter how small. Many wonderful little things can be done in a day if you do not always make that day tomorrow. So, take positive action and do what is useful and appropriate to your life.
Life does not distinguish between the things you do. Rather, it reinforces whether it is beneficial to you or not. So, remember that the things you do today are what you will harvest tomorrow.
Someday, there really will not be a tomorrow. This hard reality needs to be respected. I was actually reminded of all this earlier today when I was chatting with a 74-year-old course student about regrets. She started our call by saying, “Why didn’t I learn to accept and appreciate it all and treat every day like it was the last? Honestly, my biggest regret is how often I believed in tomorrow.” May we all take heed of her words and learn from them.