Note: This article is adapted from Amy Anderson's blog, where she talks about how to work toward achieving goals.
I got into a car accident one evening on my way back home. I was told I had a spinal condition at the hospital. So, I waited for the results of the next few months to see if I required surgery. After that, everything in my life changed.
I told my life coach, Martha Beck, over the phone, “If you had asked me a week before the accident if I was happy, I would have said yes. I had my dream job and bought a beautiful car. Everyone thought I was interesting. However, a week after the accident, I realized that I was terrified. I didn't think I loved myself anymore, and that job didn't fit me anymore. I felt suffocated from the inside out and wasn't pursuing my purpose.”
When I said that, Martha laughed, but not in a mean way. It was the laughter of someone fully aware of the reasons behind my feelings. She told me that the accident had clarified my vision, so I could see the sadness I had been denying while projecting an idealized picture of a prosperous and socially acceptable life. Since then, I have made a significant and profound effort to achieve my goal. I started writing to help others and pursued my dream of becoming a novelist.
But I asked her, “What about people like me who still live in denial, doing everything that appears appropriate on the surface but aren't truly happy? Isn't it unreasonable for people to wait until they're hit by adversity to discover that?” With a laugh, Martha replied, “No, it's perfectly reasonable. Life is full of challenges that open our eyes to what's happening within us.”
How to Find Your Purpose?
Martha was named the "most famous life coach in the country" by USA Today. When she first began her journey, she never dreamed she would be awarded a title like this, but she always knew she wanted to help people discover their purpose. In her book Steering by Starlight: The Science and Magic of Finding Your Destiny, she says that she wrote the following statement in her scholarship application at the age of 16: “My life purpose is to help people overcome the obstacles that stand in the way of their true self-discovery, interpersonal connections, and destiny discovery.”
Martha's focus shifted slightly after earning her Ph.D. in sociology from Harvard University. Over the past two decades, she worked towards fulfilling her life's mission by writing for O, The Oprah Magazine, hosting the African STAR show, and authoring several books, including:
- Finding Your Own North Star: Claiming the Life You Were Meant to Live.
- Finding Your Way in a Wild New World: Reclaim Your True Nature to Create the Life You Want.
- The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self.
What Motivates People to Find Their Purpose?
Martha notes that people often come to her after experiencing some misfortune. She says, ‘There are three reasons that lead to changing a life that doesn't suit you. The first reason is trauma exposure, which can come from a car accident, job loss, or something else. The second reason is getting an opportunity, like falling in love and having the chance to marry the perfect partner but having to change everything in your life in exchange.
The third reason is growth, as you suddenly realize that what made you happy yesterday is no longer valuable. And as your personality develops, you'll gradually distance yourself from the life that doesn't suit you, leaving you with no choice but to try to change your life entirely or to reclaim your former personality.”
Martha believes that many people experience this kind of sudden growth in their middle years. We concentrate on what she calls "mental models" of who we should be before we grow, have an accident, start a life-changing relationship, or experience any other event. Our families, friends, educational institutions, and society derive these mental models.
“What sets this stage of your life apart is that it brings you to a crossroads: you can choose to follow your inner compass or conform to the group. It's more crucial than ever to follow your inner compass right now because the culture that forces a particular personality on you has become worn out,” remarks Martha.
Martha believes that the jobs that used to give us status and opportunities for advancement through the hierarchy are gradually disappearing, thanks to the spread of a mindset that values flexibility more. She says, “This mindset allows you to follow your inner compass instead of the cultural norms. Perhaps a car accident led you to adopt this mindset, but many people come to it because other aspects of society are crumbling. As employment, families, and the workplace are no longer cohesive as in the past, all of them are like 'accidents' that cause shifts in our thinking.”
Find Purpose by Following Emotions
How do we follow our inner compass when circumstances around us no longer suit us or an unknown truth comes to light?
Martha says, “You possess a mechanism that allows you to discover your purpose. It is expressed through your emotions, so anything that gives you happy, positive feelings that bolster your spirits emotionally and even physically is a step toward your purpose. Furthermore, anything that makes you feel weak, defenseless, or closed off will move you further away from your purpose.
Life manipulates us, giving us what brings us closer to our purpose at times and what distances us from it at other times. But if you constantly move toward what gives you the greatest sense of comfort and freedom, you will eventually reach your goal very quickly.”
Unfortunately, even though it might seem straightforward, determining your purpose is not always that simple. Martha suggests taking some time to reflect quietly because it gives us a sense of peace and internal balance and increases our awareness of our inner compass.
Dedicating 15 minutes each morning and evening to walking silently or practicing meditation is sufficient. The point is to understand what makes us feel helpless in our lives or makes us believe that it is entirely wrong, so the motivation to make a real change in our lives must come from within us. We discover our purpose more quickly, and we value our inner compass more.
Overcoming the Fear of Pursuing Your Purpose
Even deeply examining one's own mind may not always be consoling because choosing to change one's life and pursue one's goals can be extremely frightening.
Martha states, “Fear is a natural emotional response in the brain that is more active in most people, so we shouldn't focus on it too much. We scare ourselves with ideas like, ‘I can't leave a stable job, I will never succeed in this field, or giving up salary and health benefits is an irresponsible act on my part,’ even when we are safe from any danger.”
Martha reinforces her point with the following quote, “Just as we can know the ocean because it always tastes of salt, we can recognize enlightenment because it always tastes of freedom.” This idea is linked to our effort to discover our purpose and then muster the courage to achieve it. “You shouldn't ask: Am I afraid to do this?” she says. “Rather, does thinking about doing this provide me with greater freedom? Though it sounds scary, freedom does not impose any limitations."
Mental Flow's Joy
Fortunately, neuroscientists now understand that the satisfaction experienced upon accomplishing a challenging goal sets it apart from an easy one. "Flow" is the term used by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi to describe what occurs to a person when they are fully engaged in an activity they enjoy and nothing else.
In his book Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, Csikszentmihalyi summarized his decades-long research on the positive aspects of human experience. “When a person is in a state of mental flow, which necessitates total focus on an activity that occupies all of a person's attention and senses, they experience the highest levels of happiness,” he says. “This only occurs when we accomplish something challenging for ourselves like learning to play the piano or rock climb, at which point common anxieties like regret and anxiety vanish, and we are overcome with motivation, integration, and accomplishment.”
About the flow phenomenon, Martha states, “We emerge from the flow state overwhelmed with joy.” She uses the example of playing golf to illustrate her point, explaining that while it may seem unusual, a player's brain must be at its most serene to make a perfect shot, which is a very challenging objective that brings us great happiness.
If the challenge of accomplishing the goal brings us happiness and fulfillment, we need to push past the fear that tells us that stepping outside of our comfort zone will be in vain. Realizing that fear is a constant companion we must learn to manage rather than a sign of impending failure is essential if we want to succeed in taking risks and pursuing our goals.
“Fear can be helpful when we are facing impending danger, but if all it scares you is the thought that you won't be able to accomplish your goal, fear will never help you—rather, it will make you feel trapped rather than free,” says Martha. “Therefore, you should not measure things by whether they are scary or not, but by whether they give you freedom.”
Creating New 'Mental Models' to Pursue Your Purpose
Some of us may have known our true purpose for a long time. Still, we have not been able to align it with those traditional mental models we inherited, including ideas like acting is not a real job or running a non-profit organization won't yield financial returns. Furthermore, some of us may discover that our dissatisfaction stems from our relationships or how we express our creativity away from our career path.
Alternative Ways to Pursue Your Purpose
First of all, you can still accomplish your goal without quitting your job. For those without business experience, founding a non-profit organization might not be the best option. However, you could still accomplish your purpose by volunteering and becoming integral to another person's organization.
Here are three ways to help you pursue your purpose:
1. Setting Boundaries
If your dissatisfaction stems from unsupportive relationships, whether with family or friends who don't encourage you to spend time on a specific task, the choice is yours. You are the one who sets boundaries and determines how others treat you, so work on resolving issues with others, but don't compromise your desires.
2. Changing Your Career
“This is the best time to venture out on your own and generate income through new methods,” says Martha to those who want to change careers. “There are ways that have increased the importance of creativity in our time, which did not yield income in the past.” Also, Martha mentions Daniel Pink's book A Whole New Mind: Why Right-Brainers Will Rule the Future, in which he states:
“In the last few decades, people with a particular mindset—such as computer programmers who carry out code instructions, lawyers who draft contracts, and MBA holders who work with numbers—have held power. However, things have changed, and people with entirely different perspectives—creatives, empathizers, and intentional content creators, including artists, inventors, designers, storytellers, caregivers, and futurists—will rule the future. These people will now be rewarded most highly by society and enjoy its greatest pleasures.”
According to Martha, “Working in factories, where you and other employees would work for a set number of hours in the same place, was the concept of a job in the 20th century. These kinds of jobs are gradually disappearing because technology has made this unnecessary, but odd opportunities to make money through creative work are starting to arise.”
3. Mapping Out Your Life for Yourself
When Martha's daughter graduated and decided to pursue higher education, Martha asked her daughter how she felt about this decision. Her daughter replied, “The most annoying thing about it is that it's tough to find time to draw, which is how I've been making money lately.”
It was discovered that Martha's daughter was profitably and successfully selling illustrated stories online. Therefore, she didn't see a reason to continue with higher education.
Different from traditional mental models, selling illustrated stories online might not seem like a real job, but it's a good way to make money doing what you enjoy. While a recent graduate might find this appropriate, people who are more established in life find it challenging to pursue this desire and make such significant career changes.
Author Seth Godin figured out how to use technology to do what he loves and earn money from creative endeavors while also leading a happy life. In his book Linchpin: Are You Indispensable, Godin states, “Our culture has replaced genius and artistic flair with apparent stability.” He says it's time to “stop clinging to the prevailing system and map out your life for yourself,” even though he doesn't think you should quit your job.
Focusing on the Joy of Finding Purpose
Martha was 25 years old when she experienced a setback that forced her to redraw her life's map.
Speaking over the phone, she described the moment of awakening that brought to mind the incident that inspired her 1999 book, Expecting Adam. She said, “Having spent my youth at Harvard University and believing that my life purpose was to climb the hierarchical ladder imposed by my culture, which in my case was education. I hoped it would lead to wealth, power, and status, and I felt my child in my womb and became attached to him. My due date was approaching when his Down syndrome was diagnosed.”
Martha was told by mentors, educators, and leaders not to have this child, saying that “his life has no value or meaning and should not be born.” “They had the best of intentions, but all of a sudden, I started to wonder: What is human life's purpose? What makes bringing a person into the world acceptable? I realized that many of those who told me this child would never be happy were not happy themselves.
Although I don't know anyone who has Down syndrome, I've heard that they can lead happy lives. Then, what is the purpose of existence? I concluded that experiencing joy itself is a compelling reason for existence and that it would be meaningless if I could never experience joy in my life. Even if my child never attends Harvard University, his life will still be valuable if he can experience great happiness in it. So, I gave birth to my child, and he has been my source of inspiration since then.”
Following What Brings You Joy
“We don't truly desire things, but the emotions we associate with them,” says Martha. I was struck deeply by this concept. What we really want from a beautiful car is the joy it brings us when we drive it at high speeds with a powerful engine, the satisfaction we get from its fine craftsmanship or even the lovely self-image it gives us when we travel in a luxurious vehicle. Unfortunately, the things, jobs, and relationships we constantly pursue don't always bring us the emotions we hope for. Martha advises us to seek joy and derive it from within ourselves rather than external things.
After her son Adam was born, Martha decided to take a different route in life and started looking into finding contentment. Now a mother of three, she says that cultivating mindfulness—akin to the idea of flow—is essential to discovering joy.
The psychology professor at Harvard University, Ellen Langer, defines mindfulness in an interview with Harvard Business Review as “the deliberate act of observing new things. This helps you stay present and is essential to feeling involved because it creates energy rather than using it up.”
Unconsciously pursuing safe and predictable career paths and habits seems like a surefire way to lead a secure and happy life. However, living mindfully—noticing and acting upon our good feelings—will help us figure out our purpose and what makes us genuinely happy. Even though there may be brief difficulties and anxieties, viewing them as opportunities for happiness, as opposed to roadblocks, will force you to either try to go back to a life that is no longer fulfilling for you or follow your gut and do what feels right.
Finding our purpose requires a desire to listen to our true feelings and then ignore the fear that accompanies them unless we are truly in imminent danger.
Taking Care of Your Purpose
Martha recommends practicing mindfulness to discover your feelings towards different aspects of your life, which may help determine your purpose. So, remember a time when you had to do something that wasn't enjoyable for you, whether it was related to work, study, relationships, or anything else you didn't like. Notice the feelings that fill your body, then remember something that made you feel true satisfaction and notice your feelings. Positive feelings guide you toward your purpose, while other emotions steer you toward what you should avoid.
In Conclusion
Create your weekly to-do list. Review the list and try to accomplish every task. Review the list and imagine completing all the tasks. Notice how your body responds to it. Assign a score to each item on the list, where the most negative physical response is -10, the most positive is +10, and mark zero if your feelings are neutral.
A minor negative response, like doing laundry, might be assigned a score of -2. Next, total up the marks to determine whether you are focusing on positive or negative feelings. Martha suggests getting rid of something you would have done but that leads to a negative response and replacing it with something that gives you a positive response. If you keep replacing things, you will create the perfect life over time.
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